whatever it takes

So by now, you might realize that I’m a musically-driven woman. When I lack words and can’t talk, I can sing. And the lyrics to songs minister to me deeply.

Which brings me to a song by Lifehouse, “Whatever It Takes,” from their 2008 album “Who We Are.”

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn’t even know
Now there’s a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I’ll keep us together whatever it takes

She said “If we’re gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don’t hide the broken parts that I need to see”
She said “Like it or not it’s the way it’s gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me”

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I’ll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I’d be lost without you and never find myself
Let’s hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I’ll keep us together whatever it takes

We hear this song at least daily on the radio and each time, it nearly brings me to tears. Not exactly conducive to safe-driving, but I suppose that’s why I keep a packet of tissues by the gear-shift. 😉

For us, the sentiment is what my husband is saying to me, just as the “White Flag”-song is what I’m saying to him. He’s willing to do the hard work to get to the bottom of his addiction and broken spirit and way of relating to himself, to me, and to life.

We’re in the process of finding a therapist to help him (us) through this. He’s been porn-free since 1.1.08, but we’re now at a point on the path where I cannot help him as much as I’d like. I can be a support and sounding-board, but I cannot be his therapist. Nor should I try to be. He’s at a place where his “whatever it takes” includes finding professional help and working through books, and I’m blessed by it.

I’m struggling against falling back to old habits of trying to control and freak out (simultaneously) — neither pattern has served me well in the past, but when there has been a fall off the wagon in the past, it’s what I did (or at least, tried to do). So I’m fighting against the urge to go back to old coping methods and so far, I’m winning.

Right now I find myself less-able to be chatter-box-y with others in my life; if I can successfully compartmentalize the heaviness in my heart and mind, I’m fine. If I can’t, I find that I don’t do so well and I need to hole-up in my cave for a bit. It’s not a matter of a pity-party as much as it is getting my heart and mind around what God is doing and having concentrated time with Him.

I’m hopeful that one of these two therapists we’re consulting with (and we hope that one of them is a good fit for our situation) will impart hope and encouragement in our battle. The first book came today and the other will probably arrive on Monday. So we’ve got work to do, and now we’re at a point where we’ll buckle down and get started.

So, yeah.

Whatever it takes | To turn this around | I know what’s at stake | I know I’ve let you down | And if you give me a chance | and believe that I can change | I’ll keep us together | Whatever it takes

His and his,
~Cori.

This entry was posted on 251921H Oct 2008 and is filed under Forgiveness, Path to Healing, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • Neko-chan

    Once again… just when I think I have a handle on everything myself… You come out of left field and blindside me with Truth, told in such a way that I’m left tearing up, mouth open and head bobbing up and down in amazement, as you so simply verbalize what I’m feeling.
    My Ichi dedicated this same song to me. It is the epitome of the desperate struggle that they feel once all has been said and done and comes to light. The poignant part is knowing that they MEAN it and it’s not just a waylaying tactic.
    You have no idea how much good you are doing by being the strong “ezer kenegdo” that you have been. Well… maybe you do. :) But I know that your husband is truly blessed to have you by his side through this.
    <3 Neko