Weary


'Weary' photo (c) 2009, K. Kendall - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
God has been doing great things in our lives – seriously great things. I’ve been so busy with the things He’s sent that I’ve not written in a while and I’m feeling the need to be honest and vulnerable here.

Much like the flower to the right looks, I feel.  Like I need a long, cool drink of water in order to perk back up.

So why am I tired?  Where God is working, the Enemy is opposing.  It’s as simple as that.

God is bringing us new couples to talk to, to pray for, and to walk with on this journey – at least 4 in the last 4 months.  Their journeys are precious and I’m so grateful to be able to share the walk with them and to help them feel less alone.  I so remember those days – how heart-and-gut-wrenching it was, how isolating, how scary, and how I just couldn’t seem to dry my tears for days on end.  If someone else’s walk down the path of sexual brokenness can be made slightly easier from sharing with me for a bit, then I will gladly walk with them, pray with them, talk to them, and simply listen.  Gladly.  God never promised me it would be easy, but He also promised never to waste a hurt or miss a tear that falls from my eye.

And so walk, talk, pray, and listen I we have.  We’re bringing a mentor couple with us to the CPM conference, three couples who are in the midst (in varying stages) of walking this journey out, and ourselves.

I’m reminded, as my fingers skim the keys looking for the next word to type, that John & Stasi Eldredge said in Love and War, “You have an enemy.  Your spouse is not it.”  It’s an apt reminder for those of us dealing with sexual brokenness, because our spouses can start to feel like the enemy as they grapple with addiction, compulsive behaviours, and general weaknesses.  But to be angry and treat our spouses like the enemy?  That’s just misplaced anger – or “sideways anger,” as we call it here.  The anger needs to be at the Accuser, the one who tempts, who has had such a real role in creating the wounds that manifest as sexual brokenness.

The Accuser is active and trying to meddle in our lives.  Is it a coincidence that right before a life-changing weekend away, I’m struggling with it all?  That my husband is struggling again with his brokenness and compulsive behaviours?  Is it coincidence that as I struggle with this seemingly never-ending journey and feelings of betrayal that the Spirit reminds me it’s the very *day* we remember Jesus’ betrayal at the hands of a friend?

I don’t think so.

After talking to many of my sisters on this path, I’m seeing a pattern – the Wily One, the “father of lies” is trying to steal from us, preemptively.  If he can get our eyes off of Jesus (the Author and Perfecter of our faith), make us angry, tired, and frustrated with our spouses, we might not get as much as the Father has for us at the conference.  We might be so distracted that we miss the gift of unconditional love, acceptance, and healing words as a balm for our souls.  I don’t want to miss any of that.

So I’m trying to soak in Jesus more.  I’m trying to absorb more from my daily readings, listen more in the conversation in my head and heart with Him, and to live more in Him than in myself.  I am weary – but I’m reminded that He said, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavily-burdened, and I will give you rest.”

I’m waiting for that rest.  I suspect I’ll find that long, cool drink in the middle of the desert, and that it will be served to me by those who are being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Is that ironic?

No, I think it’s just God..

This entry was posted on 060030H Apr 2012 and is filed under Anger, Forgiveness, Path to Healing, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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