This is Where It’s About Me

Most of the time, I recognize that my husband’s struggle with SGA isn’t about me.  I’ve said it a thousand times if I’ve said it once:  it feels like it’s about me, but that’s just because it impacts me.  I didn’t make him struggle and he struggled long before I met him and came in to his life.

But here’s where it is about me:  when fear lives inside my head.

I normally don’t cotton to fear – I acknowledge it and send it packing, inviting the Holy Spirit in to banish it forever, instead.  I’m also not living in fear now – but I will admit that it’s been a little harder this go-around than in the past.

I woke up this morning from a dream that we were moving (we are) and I was packing (I am).  Here’s where it gets weird and uncomfortable for me:  in the dream, I pulled out some large device (an oven or washing machine, maybe?) and hidden behind the appliance was evidence of my husband self-medicating again.  I woke up and drifted back to sleep quickly.

I mentioned the dream to my beloved this morning, sort of as a “hey, I had this dream….” conversation and told him how disturbed I was by the dream, but I didn’t know where it all came from.  I haven’t consciously been concerned about him self-medicating for many months now – maybe even 6 months.  I haven’t even given a passing thought to the idea that his SGA is returning or that he’s actively pursuing it.  We live in a transparent marriage and we’re both honest and open with each other as part of our intimacy.  So where did this come from and why am I writing about it?

I honestly believe that dreams are an avenue for spiritual attack.  I’m highly intuitive and live “inside of myself” most of the time.  Because my intuition is a road that the Holy Spirit uses in my life to communicate with me and dreams are often a part of that communication, I believe the enemy also invades that “open road” when he can.  So at its core, this dream is spiritual and an active attack against me; an attack that is designed to put fear in me and get my eyes off of Jesus.

Part of where This is About Me (meaning, the SGA journey) is this:  my husband can do all good things and be above reproach, allowing God to continue to heal him, but if I live in fear, his struggle is reduced to me.  I’ve essentially moved him off of whatever God is doing (and focusing on that) to focusing on me, my fear, my worry, and proving himself to me.  Now, were all of those things necessary at some point?  Yes – because trust was broken and addressing worry, fear, and proving oneself is all part of restoring and rebuilding trust.  But it is a finite aspect of our relationship and I’ve far moved past it.

Where it becomes destructive is if I can’t leave that place of fear and distrust. If I cannot give my concerns and worries to God and let Him do His work in me while He’s also working in my husband, then I’m being counter-productive and damaging our relationship.  And if I’m honest, I’m also dooming our marriage, because a successful marriage needs two individuals who love and trust each other.  If I’m not willing to trust my husband, then for all practical purposes, I’m dooming our relationship.

Bringing this full-circle, I’ve banished my fears from the dream and moved on.  The enemy would like nothing more than to have me dwell on the “what ifs” instead of what God is actually doing.  Just as my husband’s journey is a refining fire for him, God is using his journey to refine ME as well.  I can squelch His work in my life by choosing to live in fear, or I can choose to cooperate and be part of The Bigger Picture and give my fear to Him.

I’m choosing to be an active participant and allow God to make this journey about Him, not about me.

God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7


This entry was posted on 111517H May 2011 and is filed under Marriage Building, Path to Healing, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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