The Sixth Thorn

As I mentioned in a previous post, God showed me that there were “thorns” in my heart that were symbolic of things that were done or said to me that I had neglected to deal with adequately at a previous time. These things had grown in to symbolic thorns that caused me continual pain and fed my system a constant stream of poison and infection. This is the story of the Sixth Thorn.

So as I approach the final Thorns in my heart, I’ve been more content to let God direct the timing of their removal. It had been nearly a week since my previous Thorn’s removal, and I was ready to tackle the next One, but I didn’t know Its name.

Its location was in the bottom section of the left ventricle, but It wasn’t as large as some of the others that had been plucked.

God revealed its name to me early one morning while lying in bed, delaying the inevitable rising and shining that I needed to do.

It was called Deception.

Initially, I was a bit puzzled, as I’d already removed the Thorns related to betrayal and distrust. It seemed that deception was just a few letters off from those ideas, but that the concept was largely the same.

But this Thorn was placed there by others and was unrelated to the previous Thorns, so I went with it.

I realized, as I thought and prayed, that I had been intentionally deceived by some people in my life and although I had forgiven them, I hadn’t released them.

I was deceived by my husband, who, with his betrayal of me through his addiction, intentionally lied about and hid things. I was deceived by a friend who, for the sake of her own self-protection, thought it was okay to lie to me, albeit temporarily.

One thing about me: I value honesty above all else. I’ve always said that if you can’t be honest with me, then you don’t value me very highly. Honesty is hard to take at times, but lying is much harder to swallow. Because it shows me that you don’t know me very well and don’t trust me to be able to handle the information like an adult. I’m not 12; I’m not going to ‘be mad at you’ and I’m not going to run all over the playground and whisper whatever it is that you didn’t want to tell me.

But if you lie to me…then the betrayal becomes the better part of the deception and I realize that you’ve put thought and premeditation in to the act. Which goes back to my worth in your eyes and heart. We have decided to teach our son the importance of honesty and place a high value on truth—he gets in to more trouble for lying about something than he would have for the actual infraction, and he’s figuring out that even guilty admissions are better than deception.

So as I’m going through the list, releasing people and moving on, a big one comes to me.

It was a former co-worker—who was also my boss. He was a pastor and I was the youth pastor at a small church. He “corrected me” and told me that someone had made an accusation (I honestly don’t remember what the accusation was, but I do remember the meeting quite clearly), but that he couldn’t reveal to me who had accused me. He also indicated that he believed the accusation and left me to defend myself. Several months later, in what I now believe to be a “cover your ass” sort of calculating plot, he told the elders of the church that someone (who was nameless, mind you) had accused me of living with my then-future-husband and sleeping with him.

He proceeded to bring me up before the elders and put me through an inquisition of sorts. It was not pretty and did not end well. I defended myself as best I could, but let’s face it: it’s logically impossible to prove a negative. How could I prove that I wasn’t living with my future-husband or sleeping with him? I couldn’t. It was a no-win situation.

Fast-forward to the present: I realized that this former boss *knew* beyond a shadow of a doubt that these accusations were false. He *knew* what it would do to me, and he had calculated a way to remove me from the equation at that church…for reasons I now understand more fully.

And so as hard as it was, I released this person. He has to live with himself and with God, but I have already spent far too much emotional and mental energy on him and how he attempted to ruin my reputation and career. God isn’t mocked; this man will reap what he has sown, if he hasn’t already.

In my spirit, I saw the thorn removed with an odd-shaped pair of pliers. They reached in, plucked the thorn out, and I saw the hole in my heart close up. The healing had begun.

The interesting thing is how pieces began to fall in to place when I was telling my husband about what I did and how I realized that this guy had intentionally deceived me and others for his own personal gain. That he was calculating and spun a web of deceit around himself and that church.

My husband looked at me and said, “Yep. That’s exactly what he did. He knew it wasn’t true that you and I were living or sleeping together. He knew because I had a tryst with him. He was a predator and I was looking for emotional connection, and it culminated in a tryst.”

This stunned me for a moment or two, and then I realized how much pain my husband had held inside for all of these years. And how much he must have feared telling me that. It wasn’t about me, it was about him. This guy’s attempt to remove me from the staff of the church was an attempt to safeguard his reputation and remove a perceived threat of “outing” by my (then-future) husband.

It’s sad, really. I was a pawn and I was used. My husband was a pawn and he was used. And this guy will eventually be a pawn and he will be used. Because he will reap what he has planted.

But the cool thing about releasing him and moving on is that he won’t steal anything more from us. Ever. And the thorn’s hole is now a scar; a spot that is now stronger than it was before, and one that God can and will use for the healing and benefit of others.

There was a time in my life when I simply could not have imagined letting someone like this off the hook. But I heard something a while ago that stuck with me: Harbouring unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. Makes sense to me… and I don’t want to live with that sort of poison coursing through my veins. I let it do just that for too many years. Forgiving someone who has wronged you is possibly one of the hardest things to do, and yet it is so rewarding and beneficial. If you’ve got someone in your life that you’re holding hostage with unforgiveness, let them go. You’ll find that you let yourself out of a cage as well and God will bless you for releasing them.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 291942H Jul 2008 and is filed under Anger, Forgiveness, Path to Healing, Pornography, Sexual Brokenness, SSA, Thorns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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