The Second Thorn

As I mentioned in a previous post, God showed me that there were “thorns” in my heart that were symbolic of things that were done or said to me that I had neglected to deal with adequately at a previous time. These things had grown in to symbolic thorns that caused me continual pain and fed my system a constant stream of poison and infection. This is the story of the Second Thorn.

The second Thorn was situated in my heart close to the first, just slightly down and to the left; just between the atrium and ventricle on the right side. Its name was Betrayal.

Betrayal came to me through my husband’s infidelity. His heart harboured feelings, emotions, memories, and images of past encounters, both in real life and from pornography. His mind continued to think these about these things instead of working on our relationship and instead of thinking passionate thoughts of me and our life together. I felt betrayed by this, and I’m not certain that there’s a married woman out there who wouldn’t react similarly.

If we had talked about it and worked through it, it would have been different. But I am a chicken — I avoid confrontation when given the option. My husband is wired similarly in that he avoids confrontation as well. It makes for interesting disagreements in our household; we both avoid the problem and are silent for a while and then, as if by magic, everything is back where it was before the argument. Well, that’s what we pretended, anyhow.

Back to the betrayal: I knew of his porn addiction before we married. I didn’t want or know how to confront him on it; so I buried my head in the sand and figured it would be better after we were married and could have sex. Foolish woman that I was.

I didn’t know at the time that his struggle was with Same Sex Attraction (SSA) and that sex with me wasn’t going to magically “fix” things. And in his own way and with his own private struggles, he couldn’t deal with it either. He was utterly addicted, looking for a piece to his puzzle in places where he shouldn’t have been looking, but not knowing what that piece was or where to find it in a legitimate way. As it turns out, God held the piece to that puzzle and He turned my husband’s heart completely towards Him 13 years after we married. As my husband sought Him and drew closer to me, God provided the missing piece to the puzzle.

Knowing the struggle from this side didn’t mean that the Thorn could be ignored, though. It still had to be dealt with. I had no anger from It, only a recognition of what was and what is no longer. So as I released my husband from the Thorn and his infidelity; there were almost no tears and I uttered a simple, “I release you and I forgive you.” And it was done. The pain and betrayal of the previous 13 years were no longer an issue. I had cried for so many years that I literally felt “dried up” in my storehouse of tears with this issue — if I hadn’t released him, I knew I would continue to be jaded and bitter. Release was one of the best gifts God gave me and in turn, I gave myself and my marriage.

In my spirit, I saw God’s hand remove the thorn and quickly close up the hole it left behind, leaving the spot whole and neatly scarred over.

I will continue to move forward and pluck Thorns as God gives me strength and ability; I’ve already ascertained that I don’t really get to choose the time of the plucking, but that God prepares me and then lets me know it’s time.

Where are my gardening gloves, anyhow?

His and his,
~Cori
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This entry was posted on 140725H Jul 2008 and is filed under Anger, Forgiveness, Path to Healing, Pornography, Sexual Brokenness, SSA, Thorns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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