The First Thorn

As I mentioned in a previous post, God showed me that there were “thorns” in my heart that were symbolic of things that were done or said to me that I had neglected to deal with adequately at a previous time. These things had grown in to symbolic thorns that caused me continual pain and fed my system a constant stream of poison and infection. This is the story of the First Thorn.

This thorn in my heart was probably one of the easiest to recognize and deal with. If I was looking at my heart and its chambers from a vertical perspective (as though looking down on my chest), this thorn was in the upper right chamber –the right atrium.

Its size wasn’t insignificant, but it was definitely smaller than some of the others. And it had a name.

It was called Not Measuring Up.

Early on in our marriage, I felt as though I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever measure up to my husband’s mother. The two of us spent time together, for certain, but he would spend (seemingly) hours on the phone with her at least once a week. And words between them had a different meaning than they did between us. I didn’t understand at the time that it was the history between them and the longevity of their relationship that lent to that “code speak,” but I do now.

Regardless, I never felt jealous per se in regards to his relationship with his mother, just that she had a bigger piece of his heart than I did. And whether or not I recognized it, I resented it.

I know that Scripture says, “for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” It doesn’t say anything about the wife leaving her family bonds, but the husband. I figure that God understands the bonds between mother and son better than I do, and there’s a reason He put that there. It’s the ultimate cutting of apron strings.

So as God revealed this thorn to me, I made a conscious choice and effort to let it go. The thorn had grown over time…it had started out a splinter, but my unwillingness to deal with it embedded it in my heart and it began to grow and suck life from me with each beat of my heart. It fed on my oxygen-rich blood and grew. As it grew, the piercing became less splinter-like and more thorn-like, until it was a large, ugly thorn, almost shaped like a golf tee. It was an unattractive dark brown colour, and at its base was the hole, stopped up with the thorn, but still oozing blood and inflamed and infected.

I released my husband from my mind and heart—from the responsibility for making me feel like less-than-his-ideal-wife, but also for giving me a spot in his heart that wasn’t completely mine. And I released his mother. She operates out of a deficit; her own baggage keeps her standing still and I’m certain she wasn’t overtly aware of what she was doing or had done. But honestly, even if she was aware of what she had done, it was still time for me to release her. To live without forgiving someone is akin to drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person.

As I released them, in my spirit I saw the thorn come out. The inflammation went down, and the hole knit itself closed in a matter of moments. The scar tissue was “crosshatched” and reminded me of fibres that are woven tightly together but that still maintain the integrity of the weave.

I knew that I would operate from strength from that sport from here on out, as scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.

When I talked to my husband about this thorn, he told me point-blank that I had never had a lower spot in his heart than his mom did, and that he was sorry for making me feel this way. It wasn’t his fault that I absorbed the messages that way, but it was good to hear that my place in his heart is above that of anyone else.

I know there are more Thorns to deal with and that my heart has more damage than I’m probably aware of. But I’m thankful that God is leading this weeding and gardening expedition and that His hands are more skilled than any top surgeon. So I’ll keep moving forward and trust His hands and heart.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 100731H Jul 2008 and is filed under Anger, Forgiveness, Path to Healing, Thorns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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