The Fifth Thorn

As I mentioned in a previous post, God showed me that there were “thorns” in my heart that were symbolic of things that were done or said to me that I had neglected to deal with adequately at a previous time. These things had grown in to symbolic thorns that caused me continual pain and fed my system a constant stream of poison and infection. This is the story of the Fifth Thorn.

As a spiritual battle in the heavenly realm was heating up and beginning, God showed me the next Thorn in my heart. This one was right next to the previous Thorn, slightly up and to the right, but in the left ventricle on the lower side of my heart.

It was called Distrust. It was a thorn that I placed there with my own hands, by actively choosing not to trust God and His Word. His Word tells me that He loves me and has good things planned out for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), but due to other factors in my life, I was unable to believe or truly trust that verse. I liked that verse — a lot. I quoted that verse — often. But I believed it — never truly.

When things went well, I sailed along like most people. Grateful for the calm weather and easier circumstances, it was easy to praise Him and give Him the honour He deserves. When life took a turn for the worse, praise was still there, but it was slower to come and slightly more begrudged.

Miscarrying babies, burying children who should never have been buried at their young ages, job changes, family stress, and of course, the ever-present pornography-issue robbed me of my ability to believe that God really did have good things in store for me.

I came to a place early on in my walk where I decided that I would choose honesty with the Almighty over a preset standard of “we talk to God this way: Oh Thee, most Holy in Thy heavenly mansion…” I figured that God knew my heart and mind already and it would be dishonest not to talk to Him as I would a friend.

So there were times when I would have these frank discussions that sounded something like this:

Me: So, this “good plan” You have for me, God. How’s that working out?
God: Be still and know that I AM God (Psalm 46:1)
Me: ‘Cause it’s really not feelin’ so great right now. I can’t stand the reality of losing Emily [my niece who died unexpectedly at 2½], and I can’t stop crying. I can’t handle the idea that my son thinks it’s his fault that I’m sad, and I just can’t do it anymore. I’m not really livin’ that verse about a good plan right now…

God’s answer was always to trust Him, but in the face of those circumstances, I chose to distrust. And so I put the Thorn in my heart with my own hand and by my own choices.

As I repented of my distrust, in my spirit, I saw my own hand remove the Thorn. It wasn’t as large as some of the others I had already had removed, but it was sharper than I expected. And then God’s peace moved in and filled the void it left behind.

I think this Thorn had to come out on the precipice of the spiritual battle, because I had to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He was all that He says He is. That He is all-powerful, all-loving, and all-capable, and that He has won the victory over the Enemy. The battle that ensued was not fun or easy, but it was won, and part of the strength of arms I had to show was my newfound trust in God and the knowledge that He is entirely trustworthy.

If this Truth has eluded you up until now, I encourage you to press in deeply to God and ask Him to show and prove His trustworthiness to you. He will do it, and it’s a lesson that will buoy you through deep and dark waters in your life.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 241548H Jul 2008 and is filed under Anger, Forgiveness, Path to Healing, Pornography, Thorns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • http://myspace.shura_no_hana Neko-chan

    I found your page when I went searching for answers… Answers about my fiance’s infidelity and SA… And I am so very, very blessed to have found you…
    I haven’t written any comments, normally I’m just a lurker… but this post… I felt compelled.
    Today has been rough. I found out that after almost three weeks “on the wagon” my fiance was looking up a particular pornstar online… and it hurt so deeply.
    But I knew that there would be setbacks. I knew that there would be slip ups… I don’t think anyone with addiction can NOT slip up, at least once…
    So I knew that if I came to your page, I would get insight. Help. Understanding and perhaps even revelation.
    And I have. Your thorn, distrust, is one I know well. The sneaking suspicion that things are out of control, that God made a mistake… subconscious, but deadly.
    I cried/laughed when I read this post. It hit home.

    Thank you SO much for reminding me that God is *always* in control, and most of all, that He has ALREADY won the war and defeated the enemy.

    I have strength to make it another day in this journey.
    God bless,

  • cori

    konichiwa! I am so blessed to hear from you and know that God is using the pain in my journey to give you hope. I am sorry to read of the setback your fiance had, but my prayer is that this will strengthen his resolve to beat his addiction and love and treat you as the beautiful woman you are.

    God is in control, even when it seems that He’s not. But like any loving parent, He likes to be asked (so said CS Lewis) and waits for us to turn to Him to see His goodness (Psalm 34:1). Cling to Him, pray for your fiance and for yourself, and know that I am praying with and for you.

    Many cyber-hugs,

    ps– your name reminds me of the song I used to play on the piano when I was a child… “neko funjata”! I used to end all of my piano practices with it. 😉 sayonara!