random observations

The last few weeks have been hard:  we’ve completed a major task & challenge that God put in front of us (starting a church plant in an extremely secular area), and the spiritual opposition to our work and in our family was intense.  As in “holy crap! what is going on?!”-intense.  So I’ve not been writing as much – I’ve been holding things close to my chest and pondering them in an attempt to conserve emotional strength.

But random thoughts in our journey have occurred to me, and this is the best place I know to get them out.  Please bear with me…

  • The spiritual opposition we encountered planting our last church (4.5 yrs ago in a different part of the country) was virtually *nothing* in comparison to what we’ve dealt with this time around.  I guess there really is something to encroaching on a totally secular area and pissing off the demons in the spirit realm.  Although I had an idea that it would be harder than last time, I had no idea HOW hard or *how* the attack(s) might come.  Last time, it was a car accident.  This time, it was interpersonal stress between my husband and me, people who were inappropriately preying on him (fellow-strugglers), and financial pressure as we’ve never seen before.  It took me about a week of this crap to realize what was going on, and then we were able to fight it more adequately.  The launch went well, but the toll on us emotionally was great.
  • Within this whole situation, I found myself at the base of spiritual attack – as in “full-on spiritual warfare.”  My husband went to retrieve our son from an evening event a few weeks ago and while he was gone, the attack began.  I realized what was going on, but when I asked God what the root of it was, I was shocked.  It was the instant-message and email contact my husband was having with an individual who professed to be a fellow-SGA-struggler, but who had no intention of seeking healing and who simply wanted to use my husband for his own selfish needs.  My husband wasn’t completely innocent in the situation, as he didn’t shut it down and run in the other direction when it began, but the fact that he, as my covering, failed in this left me open to full-on attack.  We talked, prayed, talked, and prayed some more that night – and God called him to a new level of diligence (one that has cut off this individual, but moreover has him removing himself from instant-message-contact for a while).  It’s working, but as we talk about it, we realize that if there’s a coyote infestation in the yard and the door is left open and a coyote gets inside, it doesn’t matter who left the door open or why – close the damn door and deal with getting the coyote outside!  Which is an apt descriptor of what we’re dealing with in so many ways.
  • We traveled out of state for some work (as a family).  We used to live in this locale and although it was great to see friends, it took me to a place where I wasn’t fully comfortable.  So much of our married life was spent in that area and so much of our married life simply wasn’t happy, healthy, or good.  Not that we were actively dealing with any of our issues (his or mine), but that undercurrent of it all was there.  We were roommates with very occasional benefits at that stage, and as we spent time in that city, I felt us both withdrawing from the other – almost as if we were dealing with a familiar spirit.  I tried to fight against it, but honestly, the work kept me so busy that it wasn’t a terribly active fight on my part.  I found myself missing friends but truly anxious to leave and come back home – where that odd feeling simply didn’t exist.
  • We recently celebrated our wedding anniversary – and had a lovely time.  It was more emotional than in the past and as we enjoyed ourselves with each other, my husband shared memories from our wedding, reception, and honeymoon with me.  It was beautiful:  he told me things I didn’t know and it made me so grateful that I married this man.  Yes, even with all of our struggles, I’m intensely grateful for that wise decision to pledge my love & life to him.  I’ve steadfastly avoided the TMI-syndrome that can plague some sex-bloggers, but I’m going to tell you this:  we were so young, inexperienced, and inept at love-making when we first married that it’s amazing it was enjoyable at all.  But my husband told me (somewhat hesitantly) that the first time we made love, his thought was, “That was so much better than anything I’ve ever had with a man…”  Which is kind of an awkward thought, but I took it as such a deep compliment and evidence of God’s hand in our lives even back then.  My take on it was this:  as awkward as we were back then, what we knew to do was SO much better than the counterfeit that he’d experienced prior to that – God’s design, in people with little experience, trumped even the most complicated attempt by the enemy to counterfeit and entrap.  What a testament to God’s power and what He’s created us for!
  • My husband is beginning the very difficult internal task of remembering his sexual abuse.  For years, we’ve seen his behaviour and addiction(s) and said, “It walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and has feathers… but it’s not a duck.  It’s a cow.”  The truth of the matter is that it’s not a cow.  My husband has all the markers of one who was molested – and we believe there was molestation before his elementary-age molestation by another student.  It simply makes me want to sob uncontrollably – to think that someone could have done that to a child, but to the child who grew to be my soulmate?! And yet, I know I will have to forgive whoever it was when God reveals it to my husband.  The hard work continues…
  • And finally, I need to make a phone call that is scaring me spitless.  I need to sit down with the person who seduced my husband last summer and led us down the path that neither of us wanted to go down – and that my husband lacked the strength to avoid.  I’m not angry, bitter, or full of hatred – just the opposite.  I’ve known in my spirit that this needed to happen for a while now – and was waiting on God for the timing.  That timing is now here and I need to pick up the phone and make the call.  Why am I afraid?  I’m scared this person will not make the choice to meet with me and permit me to clear the air.  I know the important thing is my obedience to what God directs, but I don’t want the possibility of not having this end well.  I have nothing but forgiveness, compassion, and understanding – but I need to clear the air and deal with the elephant in the room before much more time elapses, because this person will be leaving the country in a few short months.  And by then, it will be too late.  I’ve had times in the past of knowing that God was telling me something and not doing it – and I’ve lived with regret over it.  I don’t want that now – I simply want what God wants.  So once again, I’m finding courage that I didn’t know I had and will make a phone call that I need to make.  I really hate using the phone in general, so having to pick it up to make an intimidating phone call doesn’t make it any easier for me.  But I’ll do it.  Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the ability to complete a task while staring fear in the face.

So these are the random thoughts that in and of themselves wouldn’t have created a full blog post.  But it accurately reflects our last few weeks and now I’m waiting the next few days for the return of my husband.  He’s on a men’s retreat, working through “Wild At Heart” with a group of men who want God’s best and to recapture what God designed for them to be: strong, healthy men who are ready to take on the world with the power that He gives.  I’m finding it quite hard to be apart and although I’m actively praying for my husband while he’s gone, I’m also actively praying for a quick passage of time.  If you don’t mind praying that for me, I’d appreciate it.  I’m missing him something fierce right now.  *sniffle*

His and his,

This entry was posted on 022146H Apr 2009 and is filed under Marriage Building, Path to Healing, sexual abuse, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • http://ssn Amy

    Hope all is well. I’ve read your blogs and have been thinking about you since meeting you in January. I got worried about you a little when it took you awhile to post again.
    It was really nice to meet you and I think about you often.
    Remember to “Bless his heart!”

    Your Friend, Tennessee

  • http://ssn Amy

    Sorry ment to say (since meeting you in March)