outing ourselves

We took the dive and met with one of the pastors at our church. My husband and I are done hiding. Period. End of discussion.

This is who we are — people in whom God is doing an amazing work, and our spotted pasts and histories of abuse notwithstanding, we are walking it out and learning to be stronger, healthier people. It has been an intense struggle to get here and there is still more do and things to learn and heal, but this is who we are. In some ways it feels like we are “outing” ourselves to people around us, but what we’re telling them is probably no more shocking than some of the things in their pasts or the histories of those around them… we’re just being open about it all. We also realize that some people will not react well to the information, and we know when that happens that we need to give them space and time to adjust… and walk away, if necessary. We haven’t experienced that yet, but we know it will probably happen at some point. And we’ve determined that although it will hurt, it’s okay. We can’t be responsible for others’ processing or where they are in life.

So this meeting went well; we received nothing but grace from the pastor we talked to and although we really didn’t expect anything except grace, we were prepared to walk away if needed. As it turned out, it wasn’t necessary. Thank You, Jesus!

We have continually lamented that the first 13 yrs of our marriage seem to have been wasted…that we wish we could have a “do-over.” But the pastor’s words were encouraging to me. He said, “Instead of seeing it as a ‘waste,’ think of it as God preparing you over those 13 yrs for what He is doing now.”

Wow.

I like that. It takes in to account our losses, our struggles, and our problems and spins them out so that it’s positive and hopeful. And puts God at the center.

I really like that.

We have really come far in the last few weeks….thorns have been coming out of my heart, my husband has gotten to the root of his struggle, and our level of honesty and truthfulness has been ratcheted up several levels. There are no secrets between us, and it feels wonderful. My husband confessed his trysts/indiscretions from before we were married and *it honestly didn’t hurt me*. Honestly. I was shocked at that, but I was able to take it in. I did cry a little–but it was for him, because he had struggled with these secrets and let the Enemy use them to torment him all these years. The tears weren’t for me. I was amazed.

I also realized that after the confession (in the morning, before he left for work) that the Enemy would try to torment him again and whisper lies that I didn’t love him anymore or that I questioned him and his heart/integrity, etc. I told him point blank as I kissed him goodbye that when the Liar comes with those lies that he was NOT to believe them. Nothing he told me changed my love for him or my commitment to him…that he was MINE and that I loved him more now than I did when we woke up and before he admitted his foibles to me.

So much of this is spiritual warfare for us! My husband has been in spiritual bondage for most of his life, and to be quite frank, these demons and familiar spirits are pissed that they are losing. So we seem to constantly be doing some sort of battle right now. It’s what we have to do in order to achieve and maintain freedom. It’s hard, without question. But when the other choice is to remain in the chains of the past, we find ourselves embracing the hard stuff and being grateful that we can move forward.

His and his,
~Cori.

This entry was posted on 230807H Jul 2008 and is filed under Forgiveness, Path to Healing, Pornography, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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