not as strong as i thought i was

Yesterday found me truly connected to God and the spirit realm. As I was praying for my BIL, God gave me insight to things that I wouldn’t otherwise have known or had insight to. I wrote them out and IM’d them to my husband and he shared them with his brother, although the sharing part made me a bit nervous at first. Not because my BIL has fangs and bites and not because I didn’t believe what I heard from God. But I think I tried to insert some of >me< in to the words I knew and prayed, and was somehow afraid that it would appear presumptuous or ... something ... by sharing them. Mostly, I IM'd my husband to let him know what God had revealed to me and how we could pray for his brother corporately. So all of that to say that when my BIL said that everything was on target with what God had revealed to me and how I was praying, I was relieved. Which again made me question how much I believed God -- He had, after all, never steered me wrong and was not about to start now. It was an odd place to be... doubting and yet not doubting. Knowing that it was wrong to insert myself in to the equation and yet still fearing some sort of rejection. Knowing that I had heard from God and still at some level, doubting that I had heard from Him. As the day came to an end, I found myself trying on two new dresses (I finally bought The Little Black Dress that every woman "needs") that looked pretty good on me. Of course, I find myself looking in the mirror and focusing on my flaws instead of how well the dress hangs on me, fits me, or the overall picture, but that's a part of me I'm trying to change. My husband affirmed me and the dresses, instead of being returned to the vendor, were hung in my closet. But as we laid in bed, talking, I began to have serious doubts and questions about my self image and body image. They seemed to come out of nowhere, and instead of recognizing them for what they were (a pestering attack from the Liar and Enemy of my soul), I went with them and said, "Maybe now that the Thorn [concerning self image] is gone, there's still some more work to do in my heart...." My husband said, "I hope I'm hearing this right..." and proceeded to pray aloud for me that God would place a hedge of protection around my heart and continue to remind me what He has done and continue to heal my mind. It was one of the most refreshing prayers that anyone has uttered over me ... ever. I found myself with a sense of calm and peace that I hadn't possessed a few minutes before and my breathing normalized from a ragged, teary-type of breathing. My husband's words stuck in my ears and brain; he said, "I had a sense that this was an attack from the Enemy. God doesn't do half-assed work, and what He did in your heart wasn't done halfway. It was done to completion and I think the Enemy was trying to put the seeds to the thorns back in your heart." He was right, of course. God doesn't do things in a half-assed or slipshod way. He does them completely and with perfection, because that's Who He is. Although true and not surprising, the revelation was disconcerting to me, because I had no clue when I was uttering those words exactly what was going on in the spirit realm. I had been walking in that realm for most of the day and God had been getting the glory and the victory, but this blindsided me. Somehow, even though I know it's not about me, I have this bizarre way of making it about me. Or feeling somewhat smug and confident in the strength that God has granted me as an individual, as a woman, and as His daughter. 😐 Truly, not the point. But the challenge last night was one that made me stop and realize that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Praise Him that He IS that strong and that I don't have to rely on my strength in this battle. Because if I did, I would surely fail. His and his, ~Cori.

This entry was posted on 251544H Jul 2008 and is filed under Path to Healing, Thorns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • Sensuous Wife

    first of all lemme just say how refreshing it is to learn i am not the only one who says ‘half-assed’ and ‘God’ in the same sentence. that alone is reason for me to love ya.

    second, are you saying you’re not as healed as you thought you were just because you heard a little bit of trash talk from the villain in the story? cause it sounds to me like you’re blaming yourself for being attacked.

    we need allies. that’s the human condition. full stop.


  • cori

    Once again, SW, you are right.

    How do you DO that? It’s like you can see the thoughts running across my forehead even before I realize I’m broadcasting them. 😉

    I was (sort of) blaming myself — not for being attacked, but for not realizing that I was being attacked. Maybe I oughta be more realistic in my expectations, eh?

    Thank you for the affirmation and re-affirmation. I need it. I need allies. Thanks for being one of those for me.


  • Who Am I


    I appreciate you sharing about the thorns. Gets me thinking about things that hold me back.

    I also wanted to compliment you that even though the heading of your blog talks about the journey through your husband’s sexual addiction, you haven’t focused on that much but on getting healed yourself- that is awesome.

    My hunch is that as you are healed the more your husband will open up, and the less of the problem the sex addiction will be.

  • Sensuous Wife

    How do I know that?
    Because the same shit gets whispered to me! (laughing)
    and my allies do the same for me.

    Love ya,

  • cori

    Who I Am–

    thank you for the encouragement. I do think you’re right (and SW has *yet* to be wrong! 😉 ) … my beloved husband and I were both so very wounded when we married and the secrets we held close to our chests were so incredibly painful. As God heals me, I know that my husband is watching and finding courage to let God heal him. It’s a hard road, but as John Maxwell said, “Like draws like.” And in our case, healing draws healing. I’m so grateful that God has been walking us down this path.

    His and his,