no white flags

Dido sings a song called “White Flag” that speaks to what I’m feeling right now:

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
Where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

My husband and I have been having big, heavy talks lately about his addiction, the hole in his heart, and how raw and gaping that wound is. I realized this morning that my awakening was paired with healing and that for the last several months (about 7, to be exact), it’s been about me and my wounds. This was probably for any number of reasons, but my thought is that it’s so I am strong enough to handle this next phase of our walk together. It appears to be time for my husband to focus on his wounds and his addiction and for me to be his support, his help-meet, his shieldmaiden, and his loving wife.

Which is where the Dido song comes in — I am NOT giving up. I am NOT giving in. There will be pain for me as he works through these issues and comes to grips with the depth of his pain and addiction, but I’m strong enough to handle it. What I told him last night was that he need not worry about causing me pain with revelations of stumbling or feeding his addiction. I can handle that. What I cannot handle is the dishonesty, the lies, and the avoidance. He said that he didn’t want his addiction to drive a wedge between us or divide us, but my response was that the addiction wouldn’t do that — dishonesty and lying would.

There is nothing (aside from hurting our son) that would make me leave him, and I told him as much. He was concerned that “What if this stumble is the one that makes her leave me?” My response was that if I hadn’t left now before he was fully committed to me and to health and purity, I wouldn’t leave afterwards if and when he stumbled. The lie that “she’s gonna leave if you tell her what you did” is hideous and comes from the pit of Hell, and so I told him to make sure that he did send it back where it belonged.

We talked a lot about coping methods: what he has done and what steps he needs to take in order to remain pure and move forward in healing. He desperately WANTS healing. This is not in question. What is in flux is the plan with which to attain that healing. We’ve ordered several books (look for reviews as we read) and are actively trying to find a counselor in our area who will help us walk this path. His plan includes things like breaking off relationships (with online friends) that are less-than-healthy and less-than-wholesome. He is also going to talk to a friend of his (who doesn’t struggle with SGA) to see about spending time and getting the need for male companionship met with someone who doesn’t share the struggle — but who is compassionate towards it. The need for male companionship with two men who struggle with SGA is intense, but I think in that situation, the temptation is too strong to meet those needs in sexual ways — the way that they know the need can be met, albeit ultimately dissatisfying and counterfeit.

The counselor-issue is a challenge and with my course of study, a bit of a professional interest to me as well. The closest counselor registered with New Life Ministries (they deal largely with sexual purity issues) is an hour from us. There is an office closer to us that isn’t registered with NLM but that does counseling on sexual purity issues, but I want to call and speak with the therapist to see if someone in that office has experience with or knowledge of SGA issues. I don’t know how this is going to work out at this point, but it’s encouraging that my husband is open to meeting with a therapist. We basically came to the conclusion that although this is my area of interest and study, I am too closely linked to the parties involved (i.e., family members who factored in to creating his struggle) to do longterm therapy with him. It would be akin to a surgeon operating on a family member — although the surgeon has the skill and expertise to do so, it’s unwise to consider because of the emotional weight and expectations that belong to the situation.

Last night, after a wonderful “release of endorphins and oxytocin” as one friend likes to call it 😉 , he slept. I dozed on and off and prayed almost the entire night through. God and I talked deeply about his struggle, his need for healing, and my need to release control and let God be the One Who moves him to the next step. In the past, I’ve wanted to control and know what was going on all the time, which sends me to a bad place. Now, I’m learning to let go and let God be the One Who convicts of sin and comforts my soul. It’s a hard lesson, but one that is oh-so-necessary. And so as I’m committed to walking this out with him (no matter what it looks like), I’m also committed to relying more on the Father and allowing Him to steer the ship.

But there will be no white flags upon my door, as Dido’s song goes. I’m not giving up or giving in; I’m going down with this ship.

I’m in love and always will be.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 181951H Oct 2008 and is filed under Pornography, Sexual Assault, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • Sensuous Wife

    I can tell you’re going through a hard time now judging from your blog so you are excused from uninteresting meme-ness. The way you are fighting for your man is something to behold. Big hugs and lotsa love to you.

  • cori

    thanks, SW. I’m holding on to that “tag” in the meme-ness for when things ease up a bit and I can do something fun like that.

    But you’re right — now, it’s just not in me. 😐

    It will get better, but we have a lot of fighting to do to get there.

    Thanks for the hugs & love…

    His and his,