My Heart and The Desert

This CPM Conference is good.  And hard.  And stretching.  And hard.  Did I mention it was hard?  The people of Stonegate Fellowship are so beautiful – their hearts are so loving and their willingness to be servants is absolutely tear-inducing and heart-melting.  My husband and I love to serve others, and for whatever reason, it’s hard to receive that serving from others.  Yet we have no choice – to refuse their loving and gracious service would be an affront and robbing them of what they long to do.  I have never experienced this in all of my life – it’s beautiful.

It’s also beautiful down here – I’ve never been to Texas, but I’ve also never been to the desert.  I was greatly amused to see a tumbleweed roll across the highway on the way from the airport to the hotel.  A TUMBLEWEED.  Seriously – just like in the old western movies.  I know this is old hat to those who are used to this, but after having been all over the world, I’ve lived in cities, the country, sub-tropical climes, and very green areas with a lot of rain; I’ve never seen such desolation and dead brush.  It fascinates me.

It also dries the heck out of my skin.  I have done nothing but drink iced tea and water since getting here and I am as parched as the land outside.  I’m told there’s 10% humidity here; we left 100% humidity at home on Thursday morning.

That parched-feeling has extended beyond my skin.  I think it’s in my soul, too.  I have felt both “watered” and “dry” simultaneously this weekend, but the aridness seems to overtake any watering that happens.  My relationship with God is on track and I’m doing what He’s asked me to do as faithfully as I possibly can.  But this weekend has also showed me that in some ways, I’m “hanging on” by the tips of my fingers.  Waiting for change in my beloved husband, hoping for change, but seeing it come in small, slow bits.  And as I expressed to him last night, my feminine heart is having a hard time with this.

I love him, don’t misunderstand.  I’m not going anywhere, either.  But someone said yesterday in a breakout session that she had to learn to nurture her heart while her husband couldn’t love her well.  That gave me gobs to think about.

My husband loves me – and I’m not sure there’s anyone who could love me more than he does.  At the times when I feel unlovable and unlovely, he’s right there, loving me.  But there are times when I need a specific thing from him in order to make my heart blossom and he’s simply not able to give it.

I believe at some point in the future, he will be able to give it, but it’s been two years of working on this and so far, he’s not there yet.  He wants to be there, but he’s not able – yet.  He’s working on healing his heart – after all, it’s not quite been a year since we unearthed the reality of his sexual abuse as a child.  And we haven’t had the ability to get back to our therapist for intensive inner-child work, due to the economy and his job.  So much of what has been done has been accomplished on a slower schedule than we wished, but it’s still baby steps forward.

But what do I do in the meantime?  How do I nurture my feminine heart and not become self-absorbed?  How do I continue to minister to him and give him what he needs from me and still maintain myself?

One of the painful things I realized yesterday was that God knew all of this in advance.  On some level, this should be comforting, but right now, it’s bothersome.  Follow me here:  God knew when He created me that I would marry this man and love him with all of my (broken) heart and that he would love me with all of his (broken) heart.  He put us together intentionally – because I believe He uses marriage to work out things in us that wouldn’t be dealt with in any other way.  He preserved my life 10 years ago when no one thought I would live and I spent 21 days in the hospital, all with the intent of continuing to grow us as a couple and work things out in our respective selves.  So He hasn’t given me more than I can handle with His help and grace.  And yet … He gave me this feminine heart.  He put certain things in me that have yet to be fulfilled, that are crying and longing to be met.  And He gave me a mate that doesn’t have the ability to fulfill the longings that God put in me – or in him.  If I was pessimistic, I’d think it was some kind of a cruel joke.  But I’m not – and my heart is deeply rooted in the belief that God really does have a good plan for my life and that He wants to give me a future and a hope.  I simply don’t know how to reconcile the needs/wants that He’s put in me with the reality of my life and marriage.

In some ways, this weekend has opened more questions than it’s answered.  I have to be okay with that, because there are always going to be open-ended questions that force me to live with the “now” and the “not yet.”  That’s life on earth when your heart longs for Heaven.  I am going to diligently seek God for answers, though – the tension is too great for me to be able to compartmentalize and pretend it doesn’t matter.

My prayer is that He comes through in aces.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 100748H Apr 2010 and is filed under Forgiveness, Marriage Building, Path to Healing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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