how it all began

As I continue to write, you’ll learn bits and pieces of my story and my husband’s story — what writers call ‘backstory’ and fills in details a little more coherently.

But that’s not for now. Now is the chance to tell you how this leg of the journey began and how we know it’s different than our struggles in the past.

My husband struggled with pornography addiction for most of his life. He was exposed to it as a child and it grabbed him with a strangle-hold from that point forward. He also struggled with same-sex attraction (SSA) from the time he was a teenager. He was awkward and gangly (which of us wasn’t?) and the situations in this life were coming together in a bit of a perfect storm to make him question his gender assignment and whether or not he was straight.

I knew of his porn addiction before we married, but not that it was gay porn. I had gotten a glimpse of something hetero (although still quite distasteful), but I thought that getting married would “cure” the addiction. Little did I know that addictions are no respecters of persons or marital state.

But back to the recent-past.

My husband had decided to walk away from his porn addiction at the first of 2008. He never told me of his resolution, he just did it. He is the first to give credit to God and say that God removed the desire to view it from his heart. He had tried to do it in the past, but had been unsuccessful because he still had the seed of it in his heart and tried to bury it without uprooting it fully.

Things weren’t good for us in the first quarter of 2008; I didn’t know that he was now “sober,” but his lack of communication was pretty much par for the course.

Our anniversary came and went…and shortly after that, he was led to Yahoo’s group-area. He found a group of Christian men who struggled with SSA, pornography, masturbation and the like. The group was for support, encouragement, and accountability in the struggles, and all relied on God’s power to overcome their addictions. All of a sudden, he realized he wasn’t alone. He brightened dramatically and actually began communicating with me.

I was shocked.

And suspicious.

My first reaction was less-than-wonderful. I thought, “Oh, shit! What have you done?” Not Godly, not glamourous, but accurate. Based on his past inability (unwillingness) to communicate, he only acted “bright” (oddly smiley) and chatterbox-y when he’d screwed up. Like a little kid who broke a window and whose parent hadn’t found it yet, my husband had this way of trying to “suck up” and “butter me up” when he knew he’d slipped off the wagon and I’d eventually find out. Again.

After about 10 days of seeing this “new-husband,” I heard from God. If God had used a bolt of lightening, I would be a pile of ash sitting at the computer. As quick as a flash, I heard God speak to my heart and say, “Your husband is stepping up to be the man I am calling him to be. You match him.

Holy crap.

That meant that I had to get over my issues and be the wife that God called me to be…but I didn’t know how to do that. I emailed two ladies I have known for a while who are older than me and have survived problems in their marriages and asked for advice. I gave them a brief summary, and I got some great ideas and commitments to pray.

And so I embarked on this road. As quickly as my challenge from God came, so did my libido and desire for my husband. It didn’t negate any of the issues that got in the way of our intimacy in the past, but knowing that we were going to be working on them — together — and that God was calling us out of our complacency was enough to get my motor running.

We joined hands and decided that if our past didn’t ruin our marriage, we surely were not going to let dealing with our pasts derail us now. And so we began walking — together.

His and his,


This entry was posted on 181449H Jun 2008 and is filed under Path to Healing, Pornography, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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