going deep

I feel like a scuba diver who has just exchanged air tanks and is preparing for another deep sea dive right now.

The sadness of the poison that was released from my soul is past and holds no sway over me, but I know there is still more crap that has to come out.

Several random things that have been amazing (my comments are italicized):

*My husband’s brother was praying for me and God gave him a vision and prophesy for me. My BIL is Lutheran and having grown up Lutheran, I didn’t even know that they operated in the Gifts. 😉 God told him that the angel in his vision was protect His beloved daughter, to bolster her courage, and to keep her eyes on Him. To … protect … me . God isn’t leaving me alone to work on these things, but is tenderly moving me forward. That … is … HUGE.

*Sensuous Wife talks about allowing God to remove toxic messages regarding our bodies and sexuality and compares them to Chuck Swindoll’s image of Pulling Thorns. So the image of the thorns being loosened during the time of prophecy was absolutely right on the money for me. To quote SW,

One of the most destructive effects of sexual abuse is how it caused me to fear my own heart and my own body instead of having a healthy fear of predators. My girlfriends have told me that in our world where rape and abuse sometimes happen, even women who haven’t been violated can become afraid of their own sexuality. Afraid if they look pretty they will be victimized. Losing this fear was absolutely crucial allowing me to enjoy my sexuality, because it doesn’t matter how much tenderness or skill my husband had if I was afraid to go there—receive it and enjoy it.

It’s hard for me to express exactly how accurate this is for me….I have lived with fear for so long that it’s both a resented enemy and friend…and although I know that I struggle with PCOS and the endocrine-disordered side of the condition, I wonder if there isn’t weight that I’ve held on to over the years out of fear. I trust that God will show this to me….

*SW also talks about prayer being the key to breaking the fear and being free. A quote from her post:

Prayer is the key here. I had several precious girlfriends pray for me that God would remove this fear of looking attractive, fear of losing weight and fear to acknowledge that God made me a sexual being. These dear sisters prayed for months for this delicate issue. Day by day, I started to become aware that I was no longer paralyzed by this fear. God began to show me that I was at the same time “amazingly intricately beautifully made” (Psalm 139:13-16) and at the same time secure and safe from harm because I “dwell in the secret place of the Most High” (Psalm 91). This means we can be beautiful and possess a sexuality that is alive and at the same time be safe and protected by Almighty God.

Oh. my. word. Words escape how me as I try to figure out how to express the importance these ideas hold for me. I so very much want what God is calling me to, but I know I can’t do it alone.

I feel like I’m about to fall backwards off the side of the boat and go deep, but my lifeline is there, and my O2 tank is full.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 090713H Jul 2008 and is filed under Forgiveness, Path to Healing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • http://sensuouswife.blogspot.com Sensuous Wife

    I love you, Cori, and I am so proud of you.
    -Sensuous Wife