getting there

On this journey to emotional healing and wholeness, I’m trying to build new patterns of thoughts and behaviour. Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes not so much.

But today made me think that maybe I’m getting there.

My husband had surgery this week; in the scope of things it was a minor surgery done in outpatient fashion. I had a hard time accepting the realization that I would be on the other side of the surgeon’s knife — I’m generally the one (out of the two of us) who needs surgical intervention. A very dear friend (who is very much a brother to my husband and a brother-in-law to me) offered to sit with me in the waiting room and was an incredible help to me as we brought my husband home and settled in for the night. Not easy stuff, but we managed it nicely — together. And once I crawled in to bed that night, the relief washed over me and the tears flowed freely.

I was so glad to have the surgery past us — and to know that my husband was fine. I have no problem trusting the surgeons with *me*, but it was a bit harder to put my trust in the surgeons for the love of my life. And I was so grateful to my brother-in-law and best friend; he helped me with my husband and the distraction during the surgery, and she took care of our son. For someone who has tended to be a bit of a lone ranger (and not wanting to burden anyone with my needs), it was a huge stretch to ask for this help, but I was glad I did and so grateful they were there to help me shoulder this.

So this week has been a bit of a whirlwind — the surgery, chores, being a nurse, and having family in for a big event here. Oh, and a massive power outage and huge storms that left us in the dark for a solid 15 hours in the middle of it.

And I lost it today. I was mad that I did lose it and I apologized to my husband for being snarky with him. And then we talked more in the privacy of our room. With all of the activities of the week, I realized that I feel desperately disconnected to him right now. Not that caring for him and all of the other things I’ve done aren’t “enough,” but I guess they’re really not. 😐

We haven’t been intentional about spending time with each other, and as my love language is Physical Touch, I truly *crave* the time we spend talking, snuggling, cuddling, etc. at the end of the day. I explained that I didn’t blame him for not wanting to snuggle right now — his incision and muscles around it are very tender and he’s not the most comfortable. But that we hadn’t spent time connecting this week and I desperately need it.

His reply was, “We haven’t had time… ” I said, “No, we haven’t MADE time. We haven’t been intentional about nurturing our relationship and connecting with each other.” He said nothing, and I interpreted that as agreement, tacit though it was. I went on to suggest that we each need to be better about putting down the respective laptops in the evening and connecting with each other; that I am feeling very much second-fiddle to his IM’g friends and long emails, and I don’t like it. I reminded him that we’d been disconnected for 13 years of our marriage and I am not going back. I am not going backwards in our relationship. Period. End of discussion.

I realized (and told my husband at the time) that talking to him this way was quite out of the ordinary for me. But that if I didn’t express my frustration and talk about it when it happened that I’d fall back in to an old pattern of stuffing it down. You know, the old FIDO — Forget It, Drive On — and convince myself it didn’t really matter. And that at some point thereafter, I’d go nuts and the frustration I stuffed down would come pouring out as a result of some relatively innocent discussion and he’d be looking at me saying, “Where the hell did that come from?” He nodded in agreement and realized that although it wasn’t easy or fun to take the bull by the horns, it was better than stuffing it down and not dealing with it.

So I think I might be getting there. We’ve had pretty unhealthy patterns of communication over the life of our marriage, and it’s taking some intensive work to root those out and replace them with healthy patterns, but I think it’s worth it.

We’re getting there.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 041215H Jul 2008 and is filed under Anger, Forgiveness, Path to Healing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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