Follow-up to Femininity

portrait in mirror 3photo © 2008 Mike Melrose | more info (via: Wylio)
A while ago, I wrote about how I’ve become confident and comfortable in my femininity.  It’s taken me a while to realize why this change took place, but I had a flash of insight at the CPM conference.

I commented that once my husband started to leave his passivity behind him, I was able to take off my pants and get my leg out of his, as well.  I think it was Desmond Tutu who said that nature abhors a vacuum – and in our lives, that meant that I got to step up and take on some masculine responsibilities because my husband wasn’t able/willing to do it.

I recognized a long time ago how much I hated this – I hated being the pursuer in our sex life (although at that point, it was barely passable as a sex-life).  I hated making all the decisions about life, budget, family, housing, bills, etc.  I was tired and more than ready for my husband to step up to the plate and relieve me.  Not that he had to then make ALL of the decisions, but that if he shouldered his responsibility’s worth, I would have some breathing room.  He wasn’t able to do this for the longest time.

Even after reading Captivating by Stasi & John Eldredge and communicating my need for a break to my husband, he was unable to do it for me.  My feminine heart was aching from doing things for both of us and bearing all the pressure.  In all fairness, my husband’s masculine heart was hurting, too – but not from carrying the weight of our lives; from carrying the weight of his struggle and the abuse perpetrated on him as a child.  He wasn’t cognizant of the abuse at that point, but it was there, weighing him down with invisible chains.

Once the bondage was broken, I began to see a new man.  A man who was able (and willing!) to take the reigns and engage me as we talked about family plans, about child-rearing strategies, about budgetary concerns.  He even began to be more of a pursuer in our intimate life, rather than letting me pursue him!

Somewhere in his growth came my freedom.  My freedom to be uniquely feminine.  Not because I had to, not because a church told me to.  But because I wanted to.  It’s as though all the shackles fell off of me at the same time my pants did.  I didn’t walk around naked, but put on my prettiest skirt one morning just because I could.  I flounced down the stairs and felt so amazingly … free.  It was a warm spring day in my former location and the windows were open.  Because of my newfound sense of freedom, it was a memorable day for me, but there were many more like it to follow.

The next time I went to the store, there was a darling skirt on the clearance rack – one that went home with me.  After that, I wasn’t to be seen in pants until winter, when it was just too cold to wear skirts that were cute and not frumpy.  Despite my newfound freedom, it came with the inner responsibility to avoid frumpiness.  I already homeschooled; the last thing I needed was to add denim skirts and Keds to my wardrobe so I would fit in with the independent fundamentalist church in town.  So longjohns and Citiknits pants came out in the winter, and skirts showed up as soon as it was 55F and above.

Since that day, I’ve come to revel in my long hair, make-up, and skirts.  My shoes are still comfortable (Birkenstocks), but come in a variety of colours to coordinate.  Naturally. <grin>

I honestly don’t think this transformation to my inner girly-girl would have been possible without my husband being able to step-up to fully-embracing his masculine-self.  As he began to step out of his porn addiction and let God do an amazing work in his heart, he ended up freeing me to be… well, me.

I’m so very grateful.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 121239H Apr 2011 and is filed under Awakening, Path to Healing, sexual abuse, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • Leanne

    WOW, I have been reading thru your post. I am dealing with a husband who has SGA and a porn addiction. I have yet to see the brokenness in him that you have experienced in your husband.

    I LONG to set my feminine side free…. I long to have a “real man” in our home.

    You are a real encouragement to me, but I wonder if we will EVER experience what you and your husband have. I have prayed for SO long… I am SO drained, exhausted, and I am a breath away from just giving up!

    • Anonymous

      Hi Leanne –

      I’m here to encourage you, my dear. Hold on to hope. It’s the best thing I can tell you – when I despaired for hope, God was there. Psalm 34|18 stood out to me today; maybe it will be an encouragement to you, too.

      The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

      Hold on, sister. You CAN do this.

      I’m praying for you tonight!