Finding a New Normal

My husband and I had our first Theophostic meeting last week and I’ve pondered how to describe it and write about it for a full week now.  I’m really glad we went and we’ll be going back next week.  God completely showed up and met us there – and let’s face it:  He didn’t have to.  He isn’t obligated to do this and to reveal these things, but as a loving Papa, He does.  And He did.

We’re grateful for that – but it’s left us with a New Normal, and trying to wrap our brains around everything is particularly hard.

When writing on an easy topic, it’s a challenge to describe something to which you witnessed but didn’t experience fully firsthand.  When you change the topic to something as challenging as Child Sexual Abuse (herein CSA), it becomes a greater challenge.  So here it goes…

~~~~~

We met with our facilitator and made brief introductions; she explained the process to us as we settled in a comfortable room with some reasonably cozy furniture.  My husband sat on a chaise and I chose the armchair close by.  We opened with a welcoming prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to be with us, to reveal what He wanted to reveal, and to help us perceive and realize the Truth and whatever it meant to us.

My job was to intercede for my husband – he would be doing the real work, and work it was.  So as I got in to a more comfortable position for intercession, the facilitator began probing with some questions and my husband began the journey backwards.  He felt anger, hatred, violence, evil, disgust, and finally love as tangible emotions.  He said he felt “dirty,” and I had a vision of wounds – deep gashes – on his left shoulder, open & full of topsoil.  That same black dirt that allows things grow was what was packed in to his wounds – and causing infection.  He described other emotive words such as “used, rejected, and unclean.”  At that moment, God whispered to my spirit, “He feels unloved.”  I sat in silence, praying, and within 2 minutes, my husband said, “I feel unloved.”

God led him to room where he was a small boy, pretending to be asleep.  He described the facade with the words, “so he would leave me alone and not hurt me anymore,” and at that moment, God told me who his abuser was.  I became aware that I was not to say anything until he indicated that he knew who his abuser was.  So I continued to pray.  He prayed through anger – that he was abused, that this person, who should have loved him and doted upon him, blackened his spirit in such an evil way.  He had every right to hang on to his anger, but he chose to release it – and to ask God to remove it from him, simultaneously.  As he made that choice, it was almost as though his anger was visible to me – you know how heat looks “wavy” on the road in the summer or when you see air by a jet engine as a jet sits on the runway, the heat distorts what should be a clear view?  That’s almost how it looked coming from that corner of the room – the best words I have are “his anger roiled off of him.”  And yet, he chose to release it.  I’m not sure I could have done it, had I been in his position; he chose health, he chose freedom, and he chose life.  It was completely the right decision, and yet what an agonizing one it must have been.

As we talked afterward, he told the facilitator that he knew who abused him.  I raised an eyebrow at him and he said, “It was my grandfather.”  I knew it was okay to say something at that point and confirmed what I knew to be true – that was what God had spoken to my spirit during the time of prayer.  His maternal grandfather, who should have bounced him on his knee and doted upon him, chose instead to violate a small child with his evil, obsessive sexual desire.  I have a hard time comprehending what causes someone to want to do that, but ultimately I know it’s not mine to have to understand.  This man has been dead for nearly 20 years and I’m thankful that I never had to meet him or form relationship with him – but we have lived with his awful legacy for our entire time together.

Which is where the title for this post comes from – although my husband’s revelation of who abused him is new, the reality is that he’s been a CSA survivor since he was a very young child.  He’s just now getting help and beginning to understand where the roots of his SGA and issues are.  He’s just now coming to grips with what it means as the puzzle pieces continue to fall into place.  It really puts a new spin and perspective on things.

This man, whom I didn’t know or meet, stole my husband’s innocence.  He stole my husband’s natural predilection towards certain things.  He caused my inlaws to treat my husband differently and to reject him, based on the sullying this man did to a child.  He stole from me the man that I wanted and needed for the past 17 years of my life – although God is now in the process of restoring what was stolen.  I also have to choose forgiveness.  I’m in the process – this time, it’s a slow process, but one that I know God will help me through.

So where do we go from here?  I hearken back to an old line from “Sleepless in Seattle,” and one I quoted last summer in the midst of my Thorn pain.  “Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out…”

This new twist in our path is a painful one, but one that won’t throw us off.  We’ll continue to walk it, together, finding a new normal.

His and his,
~Cori.

This entry was posted on 041942H May 2009 and is filed under Anger, Forgiveness, Path to Healing, sexual abuse, Sexual Brokenness, SSA, Theophostic Prayer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • http://bethegroom.blogspot.com The Groom

    Cori, thanks for sharing so freely and for standing by your husband through his struggle and his road to find healing. I continue to pray for you both as you have shared with me. I can’t wait to see what else God does for you. Niagra Falls indeed.

  • Who am I

    Thanks so much for standing by your man, being sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and to sharing with us.

    Glad things went well.

  • Hiswildcherry

    Hello My Heart,
    Have been reading your blog and wanted you to know that I will be praying for you both, as I have felt to do, from the time I first saw your link on Sensuous Wife’s site.
    You have made me rethink my position as an intercessor towards my husband. Huge responsibility to shoulder but in our Lord, not too much for us to handle.
    My sweet man and I are almost ‘joined at the hip’ in our closeness and passionate love for each other although we are opposite personalities.
    I have known for a long time that there is a deep pain in his heart and I feel it may be close to the time when we need to deal with it even though it has no face or name.
    I had a sexual awakening towards my man last year after 23 years of a very loving marriage….just too full in my heart raising and nurturing our brood and there were issues of my running the whole family during his job related absences. Painful for both of us in different ways. He missed his babies growing up whilst feeding and housing us and I missed being a feminine sweetheart whilst wearing the pants in the family.
    I will continue to read your journey as I believe I will learn from it as God directs us into more freedom in our love for each other. Thank you for sharing all that you do.