fear and doubt

When you’re dealing with sexual addiction and trust issues, how do you avoid fear and doubt? For me, these two things go hand in hand with dealing (or not dealing) with my husband’s addiction and our combined trust issues.

Case in point: recently, I planned an anniversary celebration for the two of us. It took some doing to stash our son for an overnight, but it was necessary in order to have time to focus on us as a couple. I planned out a 5 course meal, served in different rooms in the house, each room allowing us to focus on a different aspect our intimate life. It was quite a bit of plotting, planning, and scheming, but I had dropped a few hints at the beginning of the week in order to build anticipation in my husband’s mind. I fully enjoyed knowing that he would be surprised and that we would have this dedicated time together.

The day of our celebration was 6 weeks after our actual anniversary, but since neither of us had entered our awakening on our anniversary, it was more enjoyable to have this delay. The day of our celebration was also a few days after my husband’s admission of his past molestation, assault, and some subsequent acting out, and although I thought I was handling that well, the Enemy saw an opportunity to sideline me.

The thoughts occurred to me that although we hadn’t talked about it directly when we were engaged, I thought we were both virgins. For me, it wasn’t a question; although I had made intimate mistakes, I had not had actual intercourse with anyone. There was the sexual assault, but it was short of actual penetration, and my husband told me when we talked about it that if I actually had been victimized in that way that he would still have considered me a virgin, because it would have been against my will. We never really talked about his experience — just a lack thereof. From that, I assumed that he was a virgin. As it turns out, he wasn’t. This wouldn’t have changed my commitment to him, but he was afraid to discuss these things with me because it involved acting out on his SSA. And neither of us were ready at that point to tackle that issue and what it meant to us as a couple.

So the morning of our celebration found me thinking horrible thoughts about disease and feeling incredibly sad about the loss of what I thought was reality. The doubt and fear about potentially having an STD was crippling and I realized pretty quickly that if I didn’t get on top of that fear that I wouldn’t be able to finish up the plans for the evening. And God reminded me that this plan to bless my husband and truly celebrate our marriage was something that the Enemy didn’t want me to bring to completion.

And so I went on the defensive. I put the word out to a few other women and asked them to pray. I prayed for my ability to put doubt and fear in its place and to be able to move forward confidently in the day and in my activities. God delivered that ability in a big way and although there were moments of doubt that tried to grab hold of me during the course of that day, I was able to banish them. God reminded me that I had years of normal Pap tests that would have shown up any sort of STD and that I never had another symptom, but most of all, He reminded me of my husband’s heart. And that if my husband knew there was something going on from his indiscretions, he would have told me because he cared for me and loved for me.

The evening arrived and I actually got a bit weepy at the realization that I had won the battle and that the fear and doubt hadn’t kept me from achieving my goal(s). My husband, however, dealt with another aspect of fear and doubt and he didn’t win that battle.

He wasn’t actively involved in my planning and designing our evening; he knew he had to deliver our son to our friends’ home for the overnight visit, but other than that, he was gloriously off-the-hook for responsibilities. He let that annoy him to the point where he listened to the Enemy’s lies, however. My husband loves to try to figure things out, especially secrets. And when he couldn’t figure out what I was doing, he got pissed. He listened to lies whispered in his ear about me expecting him to “perform like a trained monkey” and other such nonsense. As if I had *ever* expected anything like that in the past or *ever* treated him like that?!

So our evening was somewhat less than what I had imagined it would be, and when he told me what he had been thinking, there was a spot where I could have gotten truly angry and ruined the entire time for us. I chose not to let that happen, but it was clear that my husband had let fear and doubt conquer him.

We ended up being able to salvage our time together and truly enjoy each other, which was a blessing. It was less than the “perfect” image I had in my head, but God’s redemption of our love for each other and our time together was wonderful.

I’m so glad that I had my friends praying and that God allowed me to see what the Enemy was doing and how to fight his attempts to ruin our evening. My prayer is that I’ll be able to see the next time an attack comes as well.

His and his,


This entry was posted on 011037H Jul 2008 and is filed under Path to Healing, Pornography, Sexual Assault, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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