eye-opening conversation

So I’ve been pretty quiet lately – I’ve been busy, as it’s the Holiday season, but our healing continues to trek forward.  Which is good – not going backwards, but also not having those “holyyyyyyyy crap!”-moments where we feel like our whole world is rocking because of what God has shown us and what we have to change/modulate/adjust.

We were talking with friends last night and the conversation was eye-opening.  These are people we’ve been in public ministry with for many years and although we now live in different localities, we’re tightly bonded and have good, honest communication together.

So I’ll put the conversation here and comment afterwards.

Male Friend 1:  my wife & I were at an office Christmas party and talking to one of the physicians on staff about getting a prescription…

Wife of Male Friend 1:  he was joking about writing a script for sex twice a week for a married man who wasn’t getting his needs met by his wife.

We all looked at them slightly bug-eyed

Male Friend 1:  so when we go to the office this week [for an ultrasound], I’m going to ask the doctor to write out a script for [insert names of friends in the church here]

Male Friend 2:  you are NOT going to do that!

Male Friend 1:  yeah, I am.  I think [name], [name], [name], and [name] would love it – [name] said if I did it, he would *frame it*!

Male Friend 2:  yeah, he would love that, huh?  A doctor’s prescription for regular sex? …

The conversation moved in to how often one could get refills on the “script” and minutia surrounding the procurement of the script(s).

Afterward, I am pondering this very issue.  Since my personal awakening, I cannot imagine *not* being intimate with my husband regularly – and it’s become such a valid, necessary, integral part of our marriage that I think I couldn’t survive without it.  And yet, at the height of our problems when we were both living with his addiction, my pain & grief, and our broken relationship, sex twice a week would have been *unheard of* and entirely foreign to me.

Most of my time spent discussing matters of sexuality and intimacy within the context of marriage tends to be done in healing places – online at The Marriage Bed, with friends who have healthy sex lives with their spouses, with the therapist, etc.  I don’t think I fully have comprehended how broken so many marriages are and how hard it is to live with the kind of unhappiness that leads to joking about getting a doctor’s prescription for regular sex.  I don”t accuse these marriages of impropriety or the wives of being sexual anorexics; I just marvel at what we have and am so thankful for it.

I guess like many people, what goes on in your world sometimes begins to define your understanding of what goes on in other people’s worlds.  In other words, the child who has been raised in a severely dysfunctional family will often figure that other kids deal with the same types of abuse/neglect/whatever because their experiences define their outlook.  I remember having a distinctly similar thought and realizing how *wrong* it was as I grew – not all other families had problems like my family did.  Not all other people lived through situations like I did.  And so I think I did that a bit with our awakening.

I knew for so long that I couldn’t talk about my husband’s SGA or porn struggle because of the shame associated with it.  His struggle wasn’t “normal,” or even “common.”  Or so I thought.  And when God visited us with an awakening, I was so happy.  I figured that what we were experiencing was “common” or “normal” to so many other people – and that we had simply missed out on it for so long.

I think know I was wrong in that assumption.  What we have is special and unique.  Some couples have found it and I think know that God wants this for EVERY couple.  But it’s not innate.  It’s not “natural” in the way we conceive and live out relationships in our world today.  It’s something for which I believe God has to create a spark, and then the couple has to fan the flames and nuture it.  It takes time, effort, and a good deal of hard work to keep it all going.  There are so many things in our world that would pull us away from keeping this spark and flame from becoming an all-consuming fire that it takes concentrated and concerted effort to block out the world and focus on the relationship.

The happy thing is that as we’re headed home today, we have car-time to share and talk.  And those conversations generally get pretty intense (not in a bad way) and lead to new revelations.  As we arrive home tonight, we’ll have a chance to put some of this in to action and to continue to nuture the flames that have erupted from the spark that God gave us last spring.

I just wish everyone knew what we know and had the ability to allow God to put it in to action in their lives.

His and his,

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