deep in the dark recesses of the past

I mentioned in my last post that my husband was starting to get to the bottom of his addictive issues and the known abuse in his past.

That happened in a huge way in the last week. It’s weird enough-sounding that although it’s a major breakthrough, I’ve not quite known how to write about it.

My husband had a powerful time at his retreat – God met him in a big way and taught him. In the past if he had gone to something like this and heard people talk about porn addictions and meeting their needs (or medicating their pain) with opposite-gendered illicit relationships, he would have excused his own behaviour by drawing a line and saying, “Yeah, but that’s not me. That doesn’t apply to me,” because of the same-gendered nature of his issues.

He didn’t do that this time. He was able to extrapolate what the speakers were saying and how they were challenging him and say, “Different presenting problem, same internal problem,” and apply the Truths to his life. So for that, I say, “Praise God!”

The day after he returned, we had an appointment with our therapist. We had agreed to discuss boundaries and how to recognize and set them – he really wants guidance on this and is beginning to understand and recognize the importance of setting boundaries in his life.

He then mentioned to the therapist that he has acknowledged the sexual abuse that took place when he was very young – that up until now, he’s not recognized or dealt with. He mentioned that he is praying for God to reveal what happened and when so that he can heal from it and move on, and told of the previous week’s bizarre reaction that brought this all to the forefront of his mind. We had been having an intimate moment and I reached up and kissed his neck. Nothing unusual, and it wasn’t with the intent of *giving* him the goosebumps, but he had an extremely adverse reaction to the kiss. He got the shivers to the point of feeling absolutely nauseous and thought he might have to go throw up. Not exactly the reaction a wife looks for when snuggling and kissing her husband, and yet I was able to detach and not take it personally – for which I am grateful. He calmed down a bit and we went back to snuggling, but it was weird and he was disturbed by it. The next morning I had a flash of intuitive insight and said, “What if that reaction you had last night was bringing up something that your abuser did to you, and because your heart and mind are connecting in new ways, it “clicked” this time?” What an awful thought, but apparently right on the money.

The therapist strongly advised us to investigate Theophostic Prawigyer in regard to this; I was aware TP previously, but hadn’t made the connection of its usefulness in regard to my husband. We ended our session and began to walk out of the building. In the elevator, my husband looks at me and says, “Don’t flip out, but…” He proceeded to tell me that as he’s explaining the story to the therapist (about his wigging out), he had a vision of something coming at him and the physical sensation of it hitting his jaw. That “something” was a penis – and it flipped him out in a big way. As we walked to the car and got in, I began to sense that things were very wrong – and I felt a nausea in my stomach that accompanies spiritual battles and warfare.

We realized the need to do some warfare praying and there was a very clear sense that we were not alone in the car.  As we prayed, a red shape appeared on my husband’s jawline where he said he felt the physical sensation – in the shape of a penis head.  It’s incredibly weird to try to describe, but it was very, very real.  At the same time this was taking place, my husband began belching furiously.  I have read of spiritual-warfare stories where the person afflicted began throwing up during the time of prayer, and I’ll be the first to admit I was afraid he would throw up in the car.  Not my best moment, but ah well…  I asked him if he had to throw up and his not-quite-comforting-response was, “Not yet.”

As we prayed (aloud) and proceeded to war against whatever was in the car with us, the sensation against his jaw began to lessen.  His burping began to slow down, and the nausea in the pit of my stomach began to dissipate.  Eventually, we felt as though we had prayed through what we were supposed to and that the spirit was gone, but the red mark on his jaw remained visible for several hours.  He felt lighter, as though something that had tormented him was now gone, but there is still more work to do as God puts His finger on different areas in my husband’s life and in his past and frees him from the awful things that were done to him.

He’s had flashes of recollection in the ensuing week, but nothing that is a full memory.  We know that God will reveal it at the right time and in the right place – but what he does with the information remains to be seen. It’s truly too bizarre for my mind to fully wrap itself around, and yet, it happened.  And I know what I saw.  I know the reality of what we experienced.

Part of me is terribly angry at whomever did this to him, and part of me knows that I will have to forgive the person who did this – just as I had to forgive the man who seduced my husband last summer.  I imagine it will be harder to do – but I know of God’s faithfulness and how He’s leading us through this tangled jungle in to a place of emotional, spiritual, and relational health.  And I’m holding on to that with all of my might.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 141302H Apr 2009 and is filed under Forgiveness, Path to Healing, sexual abuse, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • Neko-chan

    Cori… wow. It is both saddening that your DH had to deal with such a horrible violation, and encouraging to see that God is actively working in his heart. My prayers are with you always, and I am excited to be a (passive, albeit) witness to the wonderful things that God has in store for your marriage. God bless your family. ~Nekochan

  • Neko-chan

    PS: Would you mind sharing the “earmarks” of sexual abuse that you spoke of recently? I have the sinking feeling that my fiance may have had some sort of abuse as a young child… he acted out as a preteen with a family member, and that still has roots in his heart today. I long to know how to pray for him and what to do to help open his eyes and heart to the truth of God’s love and desire for his total healing. Anything you could impart would be helpful and you can email me if you don’t want to post it openly.

  • cori

    Neko –

    thank you for your prayers – I truly appreciate them.

    I’ll write a post with earmarks or signs that CSA survivors have – some of them will be unique, some of them are pretty much across the board with survivors. And many times, male CSA survivors exhibit different signs/symptoms than female. There is a plethora of resources for girls & women who have been violated in this way; there is significantly less for boys & men. That saddens me, but there is precious little I can do to change it.

    Look for a post in the next week – I want to compile an accurate list and need to pull from different resources to do a good job.