Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time

David Bowie’s song “Changes” from the “changesONEbowie” album of 1984 seems to explain much of our lives right now.  I’m pretty sure it’s not how Bowie intended the lyrics, but the chorus and a few other lines seem to help define us.

As we go along and rebuild our trust-base and our lives together, I’ve gained courage to ask questions that although I haven’t been 100% sure of the answers, I’m no longer afraid to hear.  My time in the legal-field taught me to ask questions only when I know what the answer is – and I took it to heart.  My intuition is crazy-strong to the point where I know things that I really shouldn’t know.  In some ways, knowing things that I had no concrete basis for left me in a place of fear – as if the confirmation of what I knew to be true would leave me in the cold, alone.  But as I grow, I’ve come to a place of love and acceptance and an understanding that honesty needs to have a safe landing-spot.  And so I strive to be that safe landing-spot.  I now use my intuition and don’t allow it to drive me to fear, but allow it to help root out the little things that we need to tweak in our relationship.

I have a video that I want to post here, but I cannot for the life of me get it uploaded at this point.  But as my husband and I watched the clip, he resonated with so much of what the speaker said.  We talked afterward and although in the past I would’ve been afraid to ask this question, I wasn’t now.

Me: So… how would you have classified your orientation up until the past year?

Him: Huh.  I never identified as “gay,” or even “bi,” because I knew it was wrong.  But I’d have to say that orientation-wise, it was a gay-orientation.

Me: And where are you now?

Him: It’s definitely changing – I no longer have any need or desire to see men in a sexual way, but I still have to keep my guard up.

Me: So would you say your orientation is … bi?  straight?

Him: Straight – but “straight with issues,” or “straight in progress.”  I’ve never *not* desired you, but now that I know and understand the root of my addiction and compulsion, it’s easier to see other men as brothers in arms and nothing more and to focus on you as the object of my love & affection.

Wow.  These are the changes that modern psychology tells us cannot be real, cannot be done, and are a manipulation of one’s inner-self and psyche.  And yet, by revealing the past abuse, dealing with it, and learning how to be a man from other men (things that my sweet husband never learned from his father), it’s happening.  It’s not reparative-therapy – it’s loosing the demons that tortured him and allowing the Spirit of God free access to the deepest recesses of his heart.

Strange fascination, fascinatin’
Ah, changes are takin’
the pace I’m goin’ through

Are these changes available for everyone?  We would say yes – but not everyone wants them.  And not everyone has a history of abuse or sexual violence that plays in to their story.  Did my husband want to struggle as he has?  Absolutely not.  Did he pray and beg God for YEARS to take his struggle away?  Absolutely he did.  God didn’t begin to answer that prayer until we got to the base of the issues – and my husband had to *want to change* in order to be brave enough to face what haunted his mind, heart, spirit, and soul.

We’re not done with the changes – we’re still a work in progress.  We cannot let our guards down and we cannot become lax in how we treat each other, our relationship, and the pain of the past.  Trust has been broken and it’s continuing to be rebuilt in our relationship.  But the ch-ch-ch-changes are a marvelous thing to behold and we’re celebrating them as we go.

His and his,
~Cori

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This entry was posted on 062018H Sep 2009 and is filed under Forgiveness, Marriage Building, Path to Healing, sexual abuse, Sexual Assault, Sexual Brokenness, SSA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • http://www.yourmarriagerestored.com Annalea

    Cori (Eowyn I),

    I think David Bowie looks better now than he ever has and that’s a great song!

    I remember when my first husband was sick, he asked me if I thought he was going to make it. Now, he’d been cautioned (I think by his therapist) not to ask me this question unless he was prepared for whatever my answer might be.

    I don’t think he was prepared.

    The conversation you had with your husband sounds deep and intimate and hard and heartfelt. I’m proud of you for asking the quesitons you did and proud of him for answering.

    You warrior princess you!

    With Joy!
    Annalea (Eowyn II)

  • The Wild Man

    To be sure, I’m proud of you for having the courage to ask. But I have to say, as “un homme sauvage”, I’m especially proud of your husband for having the greater courage to plumb his own inner depths. That is a brutally hard thing for men to do, especially in our culture. That he has the gumption to take this on tells me that he is a truly heroic figure. I salute him!

  • Hiswildcherry

    Hi Cori,
    Amazing to read about.

    Hats off to you ‘in’ your courage. I write ‘in’ because you are in the trenches and it is difficult to even peek your head out for fear of getting it whacked off by the next bullet aimed in your direction!

    However, we have the finest General in the Universe, directing the battle, and so… we move forward bravely and with total confidence.

    Raise your hands and clap about that truth 😉

    Believing for the very best of every outcome in both of your lives. HWC

  • cori

    thank you for the support, everyone. Truly, my husband is a brave man – the world tells him that “it doesn’t matter” and that he needs to simply “embrace what he wants to do,” giving way to the basest of all existences.

    Even others in the world of MOMs (mixed-orientation marriages) think this is wrong, impossible, and the rest. And yet…

    To do other than what we’ve done dooms our relationship in one way or another and opens the door for our personal and spiritual demise. Things that we simply aren’t willing to compromise.

    I am so blessed to have a corner-chorus of ”attagirl” and “attaguy” in you… thank you.

    ~Cori

  • Hiswildcherry

    You’re welcome lady. Rooting big time for you as always…

  • http://www.sensuouswife.com/blog Shula

    I am proud to call you friend.
    Lots of love,
    Shula
    .-= Shula´s last blog ..An update on how I’m doing… =-.

  • Hiswildcherry

    Hey lady,
    Quiet on your blog front.
    Trust all is well and that you are having such outrageous times of sex and fellowship with your man that blog time is out the window….Optimism is always my rule of every day 😉
    Checking frequently to see if you have posted some new tidbit.
    Thinking of you.
    HWC