The car accident, as traumatic as it was, has largely left us with an inconvenience in our lives. We didn’t intend to have to buy a new vehicle at this point; we intended to keep our old (now smooshed) car for another 12-18 months and replace it at our leisure. We also didn’t intend to be without a vehicle for this long; it’s been three weeks and there’s a potential of having to pay Enterprise for another week of renting. 😐

But this event, although inconveniencing our whole family, has hit my husband harder than it hit me. And I’m the one with bruising and soreness from the impact.

Not understanding this fully, I began to pray about it. And I heard the word “purifying” in return. I really didn’t understand that, so I broached the subject one night last week.

It had hit my husband harder than me. Part of that was because we had already exhausted our savings to pay for other crisis-management things (house & furnace repair, etc.) and he was feeling the pressure of having to borrow from our retirement account to buy this vehicle. We keep cars for 10+ years, and while that serves us well, it doesn’t help out if the car is totalled, because the insurance payout is lower than the intrinsic value of the car to us. Anyhow, it quickly became a conversation about finances and his feelings as a husband and dad. He wants better for our family. That’s okay to want, I think. But he took it to a point where he was pummelling himself over it and taking it far more personally than I thought he should or was necessary.

I realized that as horrible as it was to consider, I knew that even if the worst happened and we lost everything, we would be okay. Because our family would be together. So I told my husband this and he began to cry. He said, “I don’t think I would be okay. I don’t think I could live.”

What the hell is that about?

He went on to explain that if that happened, he would feel “like a bigger failure than I already am.” 😯 Where did THAT come from? His sobs were gut-wrenching and whole-body-convulsing, and all I could do was hold him and sob with him. This is my life partner – my soulmate – and he feels like a *failure*? But he is NOT a failure! And then I realized as God spoke to my spirit: it was a curse that was spoken over him.

Aw, crap. Not again. I thought I’d dealt with that already! But this time, my husband had to renounce the curse(s). I reminded him that God has given me the task of being his “shieldmaiden” during these times; it’s when I am able to go to battle in the spiritual realm on his behalf and help support him when he’s not strong enough to support himself. It’s something I don’t take lightly, but also something I’m happy to do, even though the toll on my physical body is huge. It wears me out, physically and emotionally. And yet I will do it over and over and willingly stand in between him and the demons which have tormented him for years so he has a chance to heal and rest.

I began to pray. I prayed for him and kept on for nearly 30 minutes. It was a hard time; a time of renouncing curses and past behaviour-patterns that stemmed from those curses. It was a time of vision when God showed me in the Spirit an enormous tap-rooted weed. That weed’s main root was large, long, and it had gigantic shoots off the sides of the main root that invaded the soil of my husband’s life and polluted his soul. And yet God removed that enormous root (called The Root of Rejection); after it was gone and I saw mounds of black, rich soil, His words of Life and Affirmation were seeded in to the holes and spaces that root left behind. And for the first time, those seeds began to root deeply in my husband’s heart and grow. The words from Deuteronomy 28:13 of “You are the head and not the tail; above and not beneath.” Words from Philippians 4:13 of “I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me.” As I prayed for the breaking of the curse over him, I saw a piece of wood, much like a 2×4, being splintered in half where the jagged ends were too hard to put back together.

Afterwards, as we sat in each others’ arms and talked about the time and what we saw in our spirits, he said he’d heard the curses that were spoken over him and could identify them. Things said by his parents: “You’ll never amount to anything,” and “You’ll be a failure.” I am horrified at that because I think if I ever said those things to our son, I wouldn’t deserve him as my son and I wouldn’t deserve to be his mother. But these are things that my in-laws will have to reconcile at some point and be accountable for. In the meantime, though, they no longer hold sway over my loving and dear husband. And the word “purification” that I’d heard earlier? I believe it referred to a sense of refining and how God was using the event of the accident to refine my husband and bring more things to the surface that needed to be removed. The heat of the furnace (so to speak) in the form of the accident, car-search, and financial pressures have been refining him and bringing him to the next step in his healing.

One thing about curses that are sometimes hard to understand: some people see them as “oogedy-boogedy” or some sort of phrase that is linked to witchcraft. While that is one application of them, the reality is this: Jesus said in Matthew 18:18-20 that what we speak on earth becomes reality in heaven (or, in the heavenly/spirit realm). So a “yes” on earth is a “yes” in that realm, and a “no” on earth has the same impact in that realm as well. Words are incredibly powerful things and ought to be used carefully, not carelessly. I gave my parents a framed print that says, “Words are so powerful they should only be used to heal, to bless, and to prosper.” Because ultimately, words can give life or words can kill. God used words to create the world and bring that which was not in to being. And our words can also bring things to life which were not in the past (although I still haven’t been successful in creating a whole world and ecosystem).

Secular psychology calls it a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ in which the mind receives something that was said and then sabotages overt effort we might make that conflicts with whatever was spoken. So a phrase like “You’ll never amount to anything” might be said in an attempt to motivate someone (although when was the last time *you* were ever motivated by a negative phrase?), but the mind absorbs it and somewhere deep down, agrees with it. And then when the person’s life is shaping up differently, the mind creates situations that diffuse the success and in fact, creates a backfiring situation that causes failure and helps the body and mind more conform to prophetic words that were uttered. It’s a wicked cycle, but one that had far too many tentacles in my husband’s life.

As hard as this conversation was, it was a breakthrough for him. I felt it in my spirit and he felt it in his. And the subsequent attacks from our common Enemy have been designed to steal the seed of God’s truth in our lives and in my husband’s heart. We’ve been standing as strong and tall as we know how, leaning on God the whole way. But this new understanding of who my husband is and what that looks like in our lives is huge for both of us.

His and his,

This entry was posted on 200926H Aug 2008 and is filed under Forgiveness, Path to Healing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  • Sensuous Wife

    That was beautiful. That shieldmaiden outfit looks good on you, too! 😉