One Year Later
So last year around this time, I was struggling. Struggling to come to a peaceful place with my cousin’s unexpected and untimely passing, struggling to make sense of our therapy sessions and what we were getting from them, and struggling to keep my head above water when I was faced with the truth of my husband’s infidelity.
It was the day after Christmas 08 when it all came out - pieces and hints had floated at me for months, niggling my intuition and pricking me to let me know that *something* just wasn’t right. I had no idea what it was - and that’s not the “I had no idea!”-denial from a wife who knew but didn’t want to face reality. I knew something was off, but I didn’t have enough clues to let me know what that “something” was.
We immediately set out on a healing journey with our therapist and as I look back over the past year, I’m pretty flippin’ happy with our progress. We were told by the therapist back in August/September that we were no longer in crisis and that we had progressed to a place where he didn’t need to see us, until we were ready for regression-therapy for my husband. Still working on that (more specifically, how to pay for that). We worked through Theophostic Prayer and pinpointed the abuse my husband went through and the lack of response/protection/whatever his parents provided when he told them as a toddler of his violation. I still have work to do on my response to them, but that’s another post. And my husband has done everything I asked with regard to being transparent and working to rebuild trust in our marriage.
We’re still not completely *there* - trust is a long-range thing and although he’s not given me specific reason to distrust him, I still have my moments when I get scared. Happily, when those moments come (and they are fewer now than before), I’m able to talk about them with him and explain that “Although you would not be disloyal or unfaithful to me again, this is what I worried about….” and “The last time I had this emotion/sensation/concern it was when you and ____ broke my trust …” and my husband understands. He adjusts his sense of “I didn’t DO anything wrong!” and holds me, understanding that the violation that breaks and destroys so many marriages and families is still real and concerning to me. I had every “right” to leave - I had every “right” to end our (at that point) 16 years together. But I didn’t - because it wasn’t about my “rights.” It was about obedience to the clear, quiet voice of God that resonated in my heart.
And that clear, quiet voice directs us now. It helped me pull it together and be able through supernatural strength to forgive him. It gave me the strength to forgive the other person, although that took a little more time, just because I was so freaking *angry*. God’s strength and voice allowed us to put new rings on each other’s fingers and know that the words inscribed on them (Mo Annam Cara) meant all of that and more - we are soulmates, no question. But the fact that God put us together and has pulled us through so much through the years… the rings symbolize all of that in a circlet of sterling.
Of course, we have an Enemy who is active and roams the earth, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8) and so we keep our guards up - and we don’t take anything for granted. We definitely go through ups and downs like any other healthy couple, but now we take care of the issues that we face quickly. We try to think of each other before ourselves and make Philippians 2 an everpresent reality in our lives.
Are we out of the woods? No. I don’t think so. My husband has had some new compulsions (of an OCD-nature) come to light lately - and I suspect that they are linked to his CSA and when explored, will likely bring up a new dimension of healing for us. Like I said, the Enemy is active and roaming the earth - and he’s not playing nice.
We are a far sight from where we were - and we’re committed to seeing this through. We’ll celebrate 15 years of marriage in a few months and we’re looking forward to that. Most of all, though, as hard as 2009 was for us as a couple, we’re grateful to God for pulling us through.
His and his,
~Cori
January 16th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Cori ~
So wonderful to see your post! As I mentioned they, and you, have been sorely missed.
Isn’t it amazing to look back just a year and see how far you’ve come, what paths you’ve walked down, what changes God has taken you through? I’m so proud of you for speaking clearly and directly to your husband when things come up for you and I’m so glad that he’s giving your heart a safe place to go to; the growth you’ve both achieved is evident in those very things.
I remember, in our wedding vows, I spoke about how amazed I was that God had called us both by name before the heavens and earth had been created and that He knew even then that Michael and I would be together for such a time as then, for such a time as this….even as you and your husband are.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:34 pm
and what a year it has been. So grateful for your journey my friend.
Shula´s last blog ..Twenty-ten, the year of a sensuous You!
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:06 am
Hey Lady,
Sooo good to read from you. Came back to read..didn’t forget you
Yes, last year was a kicker! So much learnt, so much solidified and yet quite a bit not on solid ground, for many of us.
Oh, that you continue to look to our God, that you can avail yourself of His strength, once again, for this year.
I know that there is much that both of you will be going through so take time during January to undergird your soul with inner searching as to which aspects of your personal life are needing to be bolstered.
All of us Christ followers get an inner sense, of what we must shore up on, before a battle rages. Yours will come in the area of physical beauty and self acceptance.
A huge war is currently being waged to claim the hearts and minds of sexually awakened women in the body of Christ. The spirit of Jezebel is actively roaming and she is voraciously ravenous for our softened souls towards our sexuality.
There are many of us who have awakened to our sexuality but have been riding these waves with bliss … vitally important. However, as with all new works, there needs to be a foundational undergirding to sustain the growth. I have been alerted in my spirit towards fortifying my spirit regarding personal acceptance and self satisfaction.
Oftimes, we focus on our weaknesses and neglect to acknowledge our many strengths.
It is a crucial time to identify your very real strengths, Cori, and set them in cement within your deep person. You will need to have your core set in rock, our Rock, Jesus Christ, and what He thinks of your physical beauty to weather storms of attack upon your appearance.
As I go through my own journey towards greater healing about my physical appearance, and closely intertwined sexual expression, I will remember to pray for you.
Women have historically banded together during times of warfare. Let’s do so in this time period . My prayer is for those who are ‘in the know’ to come out of all of this with heads held high. We know that above all, we are Daughters of The King and thus have every right to be who He has designed us to be. Cyber squeeze :}
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:49 am
HWC -
there are so many good things in your comment - thank you!
One thing I wanted to pick out and press you about - you said, “there needs to be a foundational undergirding to sustain the growth. I have been alerted in my spirit towards fortifying my spirit regarding personal acceptance and self satisfaction.”
What are you doing to undergird your progress/learning/growth? Do you think it looks different for each of us?
Sometimes I feel as though there’s “one step forward, two steps back” - either b/c I’m not judiciously guarding my time and schedule (and trying to do too much) or for some other reason that pertains more to my husband’s journey than my own.
I’m curious to unpack this idea a bit more. I completely resonate with the sense in your spirit about Jezebel and the desire to destroy women in the Fold who have softened hearts and rekindled senses of Godly sexuality.
xoxo
February 10th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Hey lady,
Hi! Sorry so long getting back.
Have been focusing on my 47th birthday and 25th wedding anniversary plus generally making my man fully aware of my incredible desire for him. That takes time as we all know ;-).
I will mull over your question and return soon.
Catch a xxxx
February 16th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Hi sweet Cori,
Thought a bit more.
A simple sentence to vaguely describe how I am growing my womanhood could go something like this….I am fighting hard for the integrity of my “personal”, inner woman. Huh?
If this is thought through, it is no simple statement.
How many ‘other’ women have I tried to become in my life?
How many ‘other’ women have influenced me away from who I truly am, deep inside?
How many ‘other’ women have been fine the way they were for themselves but not for who I knew myself to be, and am today? How many ‘other’ women actively fought against me in the history of my growth spurts to the extent that I morphed into who they either said I should be, or intimated as such by their actions?
MANY.
I am in the painstakingly, slow process of recognising who I am in every sense of the word and that must of necessity include separately from my husband.
WHOA….. What did I just say???.
Well, think about it.
If I cannot come to the truth of who I truly am, how can I possibly REALLY love myself therefore it stands to reason that I cannot REALLY love my husband.
Oooomphf…with an emphasis on the ‘f’ as I thought I was getting healed and whole. NOPE. Still progressing and the more I see of myself, to be frank, the more I see a truly cool and awesome woman who has hidden her entire freakin’ life #@$**
Time to be Holy, wholey and holey
yours truly…..ME.
Will return again.
Potentially more sincere love, in Christ !
HWCherry.