You see, we were never fully open with people in our church.  Sure, the leadership knew (we told them), and those in our Recovery Network knew.  People we knew wouldn’t reject us were trusted with our “real selves.”  Everyone else was a friend, a co-worshiper, or a co-worker in the church, but didn’t know our full story.  Many people thought of us as “one entity” - as in, “I can’t think of one of you without thinking of the other,” which is pretty cool.  But we still kept a side of our real lives veiled.  So understandably, we were nervous about “letting it all hang out” and telling “God and everyone” - although God already knew.  <wry smile>

The message was preached by a a friend of ours and a very dear staff member also helped to write the message, knowing our full story and having his own strong feelings about how the Church has wounded, hurt, isolated, and alienated those who deal with SGA.  And one of the first sentences in the message was, “I’m sorry.”  They went on to say that the apology was for all, but especially those who had been wounded by hateful words, hateful attitudes, and harshness in the name of Jesus aimed at those who struggled (openly or otherwise).  There were gay couples in the audience who showed up just for this message - to see how it would be “handled.”

I was so very proud of my church that day - I listened to the podcast as soon as it was available, and we had words of kindness, love, and compassion on our Facebook walls, in our inboxes, and on the phone.  Instead of being a scary day, it was a day of receiving love from people we had worshiped with for years.  God blessed us richly through our obedience and willingness to put it out there.

Fast forward to today.  We’ve found a church where we are comfortable, challenged, and feel called - a church that preaches the Gospel message with a side of justice, mercy, and humility.  We are meeting amazing people and being challenged every time we step in the door to “up our game.”  It’s a good place for us to be.  But even knowing that it’s good for us to be here, we haven’t gone in full-bore yet.  We don’t want to go in wearing a sandwich-board that says, “We struggle with SGA in our marriage,” and yet it’s an everpresent part of who we are.  My husband’s struggle is lessened over what it once was, but there is still more ground to cover.  There are still wounds that need exposure to daylight and healing, and there are things that have been said by others that have caused him (and quite frankly, me) to go underground.

Our pastor was teaching on Genesis 2 and Genesis 3 - standard ‘creation story/the fall of Adam & Eve/promise of a Saviour’- stuff.  He spoke briefly about the design of marriage and then stopped.  He said, “I’m sorry” to people in the congregation who were either fully-gay or struggling with SGA.  He apologized for the things that had been said/done/conveyed over the years in the name of Jesus that caused pain.  And then he affirmed his obligation and duty to not water down what the Scripture says about marriage (i.e., between a man and a woman), but to couch it with mercy and compassion for those who feel as though a heterosexual marriage is far beyond their reach.

We were in the front row (I’m easily distracted otherwise) and wept.  We were so touched and clasped hands together while we listened.  My husband leaned his head over to me and I whispered, “Just in case you needed a stronger sign that this is where we’re supposed to be…” and smiled at him through my tears.

We don’t need to wear a sandwich board declaring our struggles.  As we meet more people and find friends who are a good, close match for us, we’ll share our journey.  We might end up sharing it publicly again - I have no idea.  But I know that the leadership won’t reject us and that our wounds will be treated with care and compassion here, just as they were in our old church.

Apologies go a long way to healing a wounded heart, and we now know two strong men who love God and love people who have stood up and apologized for actions they never took, for words they never said, and for attitudes they never held - all in the name of love and mercy towards broken people.  What an amazing thing and how God is using that in our lives.

His and his,
~Cori

But a curious thing has happened as we get settled:  it’s been hard for me to put up a certain wall decoration because of the memories attached to it.  Or rather, the person attached to the item.  It’s a beautiful piece of woodwork that symbolizes our shared faith and experience with this person, but this person was at the base of my husband’s last “fall,” almost two years ago.  I forgave the other participant, but have been unsatisfied at the lack of face-to-face resolution in the matter.  Regardless, forgiveness isn’t based on having a face-to-face conversation or even having the other person apologize and accept responsibility.

So why is it so hard for me to hang this item up?  I truly do love it….

I was praying about this very issue today and God led me back to my own words in this blog.  I found my own words reflecting the heart of God back to me and being incredibly healing.  The person in question did indeed cause me and my family tremendous harm and pain.  But he isn’t defined by that moment - he is defined as a fellow sojourner on the path with me.  He is defined by his faith in Jesus and by the forgiveness that he and I both rely on.  He had a tremendously important part to play in my life and in my personal healing and was God’s instrument as I began the hard work of gardening in my soul.

That realization reminded me that indeed, he is forgiven.  By God, by my husband, and by me.  And I have been letting the Enemy run roughshod over my heart and mind lately by fretting about it - I’ve let Satan bring up things that are covered under the blood of Jesus and that are in the past, instead of remembering the good, healing times we had and how we were intertwined in a healthy way in each others’ lives for a while.

Our paths are separate and divergent, which is good.  I dreamt about this person last night and found myself sad about the way things worked out, but philosophical about the way some people are in our lives for a season and the length of that season isn’t often within our control.

So I’m going to hang this piece of art today - I have to decide where, but I want it up to remind me of the common heritage and the healing power of which he was a conduit.  I wish him the best and pray for him when he comes to my heart.  I was a different woman back then and God knew exactly what I needed, using another brother in the faith to provide it.  I’m grateful for that and what this piece represents.

Now if I could just find the hammer and nails as easily…

His and his,
~Cori

He Who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it… Philippians 1:6

But that’s not the point of this post.

When we were at the CPM conference, we were told, “If you keep your mask up, your mask will receive the love, and you will not.”  Words to live by, but how many of us actually take the time and effort to remove the mask we wear?  Do we risk rejection and let others see our “real selves”?  Do we take the effort to avoid the fakeness and let people see when we have good days … and bad ones, too?

We are about to do just that in a big way.  Our last Sunday at our church is in two days.  I well up just thinking about it.  We love these people and have genuine community with them.  We will miss them like crazy.  We prayed for God’s best and believe He’s providing it in this move, but there is pain on the path to His highest and best and we’re in the midst of the grief that comes before it.  But today will be the ultimate removal of masks for us:  the Creative Arts Director at our church will be coming here to film us.

And we will tell our story to our church family via video.

The very thing we’ve kept hidden for so long for fear of being rejected will be shown on both campuses on July 18 as they kick off a “FAQ” series.  The series will look at “what does God really think about …?” and the staff is preparing messages that go along with the ellipses.  I was told that the NUMBER ONE issue that came up when the congregation was given the chance to ask the questions was homosexuality.  As in “What does God really think about homosexuality?”

And that’s where we come in.

We left the CPM conference knowing that our next step was to take off our masks before the church and to be real.  We approached the leadership (who knew our story and supported us all the way) and they smiled, nodded, and said, “Let’s see what God does with this.”  We suspected it might be via video, due to having two campuses and the unpredictability of live conversations like this, but as our time ticked down and we began packing, I started to think that maybe it wasn’t going to happen.  Not that we mis-heard God, but that maybe His plan wasn’t for us to share with this church, but our next church.

Not so.  And so after putting down weed mat in the front garden and covering it with mulch in preparation for listing the house, I’ll come in & shower and get ready to sit in front of a video camera.  I really dislike being on video, but this is something we must do in obedience.  And we know that people will find help and freedom because of our story and what God will do with it.  It’s a little awkward to know that we’ll not be here when it airs, but that’s all in God’s design as well.  He’ll use us and our story to set captives free, and that’s what is truly important.

His and his,
~Cori

It’s also beautiful down here - I’ve never been to Texas, but I’ve also never been to the desert.  I was greatly amused to see a tumbleweed roll across the highway on the way from the airport to the hotel.  A TUMBLEWEED.  Seriously - just like in the old western movies.  I know this is old hat to those who are used to this, but after having been all over the world, I’ve lived in cities, the country, sub-tropical climes, and very green areas with a lot of rain; I’ve never seen such desolation and dead brush.  It fascinates me.

It also dries the heck out of my skin.  I have done nothing but drink iced tea and water since getting here and I am as parched as the land outside.  I’m told there’s 10% humidity here; we left 100% humidity at home on Thursday morning.

That parched-feeling has extended beyond my skin.  I think it’s in my soul, too.  I have felt both “watered” and “dry” simultaneously this weekend, but the aridness seems to overtake any watering that happens.  My relationship with God is on track and I’m doing what He’s asked me to do as faithfully as I possibly can.  But this weekend has also showed me that in some ways, I’m “hanging on” by the tips of my fingers.  Waiting for change in my beloved husband, hoping for change, but seeing it come in small, slow bits.  And as I expressed to him last night, my feminine heart is having a hard time with this.

I love him, don’t misunderstand.  I’m not going anywhere, either.  But someone said yesterday in a breakout session that she had to learn to nurture her heart while her husband couldn’t love her well.  That gave me gobs to think about.

My husband loves me - and I’m not sure there’s anyone who could love me more than he does.  At the times when I feel unlovable and unlovely, he’s right there, loving me.  But there are times when I need a specific thing from him in order to make my heart blossom and he’s simply not able to give it.

I believe at some point in the future, he will be able to give it, but it’s been two years of working on this and so far, he’s not there yet.  He wants to be there, but he’s not able - yet.  He’s working on healing his heart - after all, it’s not quite been a year since we unearthed the reality of his sexual abuse as a child.  And we haven’t had the ability to get back to our therapist for intensive inner-child work, due to the economy and his job.  So much of what has been done has been accomplished on a slower schedule than we wished, but it’s still baby steps forward.

But what do I do in the meantime?  How do I nurture my feminine heart and not become self-absorbed?  How do I continue to minister to him and give him what he needs from me and still maintain myself?

One of the painful things I realized yesterday was that God knew all of this in advance.  On some level, this should be comforting, but right now, it’s bothersome.  Follow me here:  God knew when He created me that I would marry this man and love him with all of my (broken) heart and that he would love me with all of his (broken) heart.  He put us together intentionally - because I believe He uses marriage to work out things in us that wouldn’t be dealt with in any other way.  He preserved my life 10 years ago when no one thought I would live and I spent 21 days in the hospital, all with the intent of continuing to grow us as a couple and work things out in our respective selves.  So He hasn’t given me more than I can handle with His help and grace.  And yet … He gave me this feminine heart.  He put certain things in me that have yet to be fulfilled, that are crying and longing to be met.  And He gave me a mate that doesn’t have the ability to fulfill the longings that God put in me - or in him.  If I was pessimistic, I’d think it was some kind of a cruel joke.  But I’m not - and my heart is deeply rooted in the belief that God really does have a good plan for my life and that He wants to give me a future and a hope.  I simply don’t know how to reconcile the needs/wants that He’s put in me with the reality of my life and marriage.

In some ways, this weekend has opened more questions than it’s answered.  I have to be okay with that, because there are always going to be open-ended questions that force me to live with the “now” and the “not yet.”  That’s life on earth when your heart longs for Heaven.  I am going to diligently seek God for answers, though - the tension is too great for me to be able to compartmentalize and pretend it doesn’t matter.

My prayer is that He comes through in aces.

His and his,
~Cori

I finished up the winter-term of Celebrate the Journey Restore-group leading, using Celebrate Recovery materials.  That was a great thing; we had some really great members and one asked me to baptize her next month.  Wahoooo! 

But in the last weeks of the group, we talked a lot about ‘control’ and what it means.  As a recovering codependent, I realize that I cannot control everyone (or anyone other than myself, really) or all circumstances.  And yet, this part of me pushes from time-to-time, urging me to exert control.  I fight it, but it feels as though I’m fighting an enormously primordial part of me.

And then it hit me when I read this tweet by Steve Komanapalli, who is one of Rick Warren’s assistant pastors:  The control issue is the fear of losing our freedom.

Whoa.  Is that was this is all about?  It resonates with me, so bear with me as I think aloud.

• At some point, my dysfunctional background caused me to lose my freedom
• At some point in my loss of freedom was a rebellion against that loss and a determination to regain it
• At some point in the regaining of that freedom was a determination to not lose it again
• At some point in my determination to not lose my freedom was a decision to control my circumstances so as to avoid future losses

Whoa.

By jove, I think we’ve got it!  My freedom and autonomy was taken by people who needed to control me (ostensibly to protect themselves) and it spawned a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.  The hurt and fear was something to avoid, and so attempting to control my situations and others who were involved in my life became the quickest way to avoid pain.  Instead of dealing with the pain head-on, I simply attempted to avoid it, but unwittingly, caused others pain by perpetuating the cycle.

Yowza.  That really puts new skin on the recovery-process and on my journey with my husband.  We have said for a while that we cannot control how others respond to our story but that we can control our reactions to others.  This whole realization was buttoned-up for me when we were talking one night as we snuggled to sleep and my husband said, “Yeah, but what if ____ thinks I’m not being true to myself?  I don’t want him to think that!”  I said, “You can’t control what another person thinks of you, sweetheart.  You have to let God take care of that.”  My husband was worried about a constraint on his freedom to be who he is (i.e., a straight man with issues) and not thought of by another who thinks he might be “gay, but in denial.”

It really does come back to a fear of loss of freedom.  Thanks, Steve for tweeting that, and thank You, Lord, for revealing that truth to me.

His and his,
~Cori

Ordinarily, I have a thick skin and I don’t let things like this get to me.  But this one hit me in the area where I’m still healing and still slightly insecure.

I was talking last night to a couple whom I knew were leaders and advocates of Dave Ramsey’s “Financial Peace University.”  They have, as we say in jest, “Drunk the Kool-Aid and imbibed deeply.”  My husband and I practice all of the parts of FPU but haven’t done the class.  At this point, I don’t know if we’ll ever do the class - at least, based on the exchange.  Regardless, we were talking general finance and I have no idea how it came up, but I mentioned that my husband takes an “allowance” as his spending money.  One thing you should know if you’re not familiar with FPU is that the terminology is different.  So where we say, “allowance,” an FPU-ite might say, “blow money.”  The concept is identical:  it’s money that the individual has for personal spending and isn’t accountable to anyone else for.  My parents had an “allowance,” and that’s what we’ve called it through the years.  I don’t have one - there hasn’t been space in the budget for one for me, but I also work from home and don’t have the need to go out with co-workers, etc.  Whatever. *shrug*

But back to the conversation.  This couple looked at me and said, “Oh, so you’re the parent and he’s your child?”

WHAT?  Are you friggin’ kidding me?  That was probably one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever heard - and I realized that at that moment, I emotionally shut down.  We talked about it on the way home, which helped, but I found myself not sleeping well last night, my dreams filled with this exchange.

It became clear to me that the husband of this duo is a black & white thinker - that there are no shades of gray for him.  You either do it ALL or you aren’t doing it RIGHT.  I find myself frustrated by that way of thinking - it’s the same type of thinking that kept me in bondage to an eating disorder as a teen, that kept my husband in bondage to his addiction (and in silence) for so many years, and that destroys the hope that  God gives to those who are taking next steps with Him and who are on the path with Him.

The exchange also became a bit of a tag-team situation where the wife chimed in and I felt absolutely helpless.  My husband was sitting there but didn’t say anything - I think he was as stunned as I was.  To not know us (and they don’t) and to say something like that instead of asking for clarification of terms?  Unreal.  And then to say something like that and not understand our history together and how hurtful that is is simply untenable to me.  I don’t expect to share our story with everyone whom we encounter in life, but if someone is going to challenge me on something as intimate and private as financial practices, I do expect that they would have relational equity and the right to speak in to our lives as well as understanding some of our history.  These people had none of that.  Admittedly, I did engage them as we discussed financial stuff and I didn’t say anything in response to their words, but that doesn’t excuse the exchange.

I really needed reassurance as we talked about this and went to bed last night.  I’m working through it and headed to a place where I’m okay at this point, but it really stirred up fears that my husband and I aren’t equals and that in some way through his healing and my recovery I’m being his “parent.”  Or worse, his mother.  He assured me last night as we snuggled in and went to sleep that I’m his bride and not his mother, but wow - this really knocked me for a loop.  Maybe if there wasn’t such a hurtful history with my husband’s parents it wouldn’t hit me quite as hard as it did.  Maybe if we weren’t dealing with sexual issues and the whole conversation brought up the Oedipal complex, it wouldn’t be as bad.  But the “maybes” aren’t reality.  The reality is that this couple, not knowing us, our history, or our issues, tag-teamed in a hurtful and accusatory way and then left.  They simply left the table where we were sitting - maybe they recognized that they crossed a boundary, or saw the shell-shock on our faces.  Or maybe that’s just their way of dealing with things - fly in, fire missiles, and leave.  I have no idea.  But I’m still sitting here picking up the pieces and making sure that the wounds from shrapnel are bandaged and dealt with.

His and his,
~Cori

I’m definitely sad for this man’s family, but I’m also somewhat relieved.  This man never told his wife about his struggle or urges; he suffered in silence.  He also had some other medical and emotional things going on, which definitely affected his family as well.  Now, our friend’s struggle is over - he’s with Jesus - and his family can begin to heal.

I don’t know what our friend’s marriage was like or why he didn’t feel as though he could share his deepest struggles with his wife, but I do know something about the wives of SGA-strugglers:  we are stronger than our husbands think we are.

Most of us know that something is a bit “off” or “not quite right” in our marriages, but most of us carry baggage (emotional or otherwise) that leads us to a place where we blame ourselves.  Our sex lives might not be the most active or we might feel some emotional distance between ourselves and our husbands, but again, we tend to think it’s “us.”  Because no matter what, we love our husbands and we believe the best about them.

But most of us, when faced with the realization that our husband’s struggles aren’t about us will rally - once we get past the initial shock.  As we listen and love, the pieces of the puzzle come in to place in our minds and in our hearts - and we understand that it never was “all about us” or “our fault,” that it was him and his struggles.

The thing that pains me the most in these types of situations (and I know of more than I wish I did) is that for the fear of rejection, the husband who struggles with SGA suffers in silence and alone.  The Enemy isolates him and tells him that he’s “the only one” who struggles this way.  That makes him feel even more alone - and if he believes the lie that he’s the “only one,” then he thinks that there is no way his wife could understand or accept him, because he’s one of a kind and so strange/weird/odd that she would reject him outright.

And in the meantime, she’s noting and concerned about the lack of intimacy, the feeling of “not quite right,” the sense of “abnormal” in comparison to her friends’ relationships, and she’s (most often) blaming herself.  She’s suffering and he’s suffering and neither of their suffering world’s collide, because the Enemy has woven a clever lie around the husband and he’s not being honest.

I ache for this type of situation - and I know it far too well.  It was my existence for thirteen years of my marriage.  I’m grateful that it’s no longer my reality, and I wish all strugglers had the honesty to confront the lies that hold them captive and share their struggles with their wives.  If they were able to find it, they’d find freedom & support for themselves and their wives would have a new lease on life as well.

I’m praying for our friend’s surviving family.  One of my prayers is for their grief to be healthy and for their healing to begin and for our friend’s wife to begin to see her worth as a woman.

Honesty is worth the hard work - and I fully believe that God honours the effort and blesses the one who leans on Him and the support of a believing spouse.

His and his,
~Cori

We decided we wanted to go, but that was last summer sometime and there were no dates published for 2010’s conference.

Fast forward to February 2010 and for whatever reason, it resurfaced in my brain.  With all that’s going on these days, for *anything* to resurface after 9 months in my gray matter is amazing - and so I popped over to the church’s website and began to look around for information.

The conference is April 8-11 this year and as we talked about it, we decided to apply to attend.  Obstacles immediately presented themselves - airfare is more than $900 for the two of us, a sum we simply didn’t have.  And what to do with our son?  Or the dog?  But we decided that applying was the first step of faith we needed to take - if God wanted us there, He would provide ways around the obstacles.

One of the beautiful things about where we are as a couple and in our church’s leadership is that we can be completely honest about our journey and we receive no condemnation, no sideways glances, no shunning of any sort.  We are received with open arms and understand that though our position in life and ministry is unique, it’s something that God can and will use in our lives and in the lives of others.   When I mentioned the conference to the lead pastor, he looked puzzled.  “Why go all the way down there for a marriage conference?  There are a lot of conferences a lot closer to us!”  I explained that this conference was specifically for couples affected by SGA.  His eyes widened with comprehension and he said, “Wow, that’s great!  Those are things you guys can learn and bring back here to use in the ministry!”  Exactly, my friend.  Exactly.

And less than a week later, God removed the first obstacle of expense for us when a check showed up in the mail to cover a portion of our trip.  We read the note, cried, and thanked God for His generosity as it comes through His children.

Now, we have word that the rest of the expenses have been covered - which is an enormous blessing.  God has indeed removed all financial obstacles.  We still have to figure out the kid-and-dog care, but I don’t anticipate that being too much of a challenge, seeing as the biggest obstacles (to my mind, anyhow) have already been removed.

So God wants us in Midland for 3 days after Easter.  We’re nervous, but anticipating what He has for us, the healing He’s continuing in our relationship, and what He will reveal to us about the next step in ministry and life.

I’m including the video that moved me to tears - the same one Thom posted that began this part of our journey.  I hope it speaks to you as much as it did to me.

His and his,
~Cori

There will always be those who think they understand all and in reality, understand nothing.  Proverbs talks quite a bit about how valuable wisdom is and how despite wisdom being free, there will still be those who walk in ignorance and darkness.  I don’t think that I (or anyone else) can erase all ignorance when it comes to staying in a marriage with an SGA-struggler, but sometimes the ignorance really rubs me the wrong way.

At some level, I feel as though I’m taken back to the “God told me to”-argument.  It’s really not an argument and I don’t regret my decision to obey the voice of God.  But when I meet up with crazy-ignorance that is willfully not listening or based in faulty understandings of human behaviour, I find myself falling back to one thing that is simply not arguable:  God told me to stay.  How can someone say, “Nuh-unh.  He did NOT!”?   It’s simply not possible - at least, not by any rational person.

My obedience didn’t negate the pain, the struggle, the broken trust, or anything else.  Gayle Haggard’s obedience didn’t negate any of that, either.  What it did for me (and when I read Gayle’s book, I’ll find out if it did for her as well) was to steel my resolve.  I know God’s character enough to know that He wouldn’t mis-direct me or give me false hope.  And knowing that allowed me to say, “I don’t understand it, but I still love you and I want to stand by you as you work on this and work to heal our relationship.”

Have there been times when I’ve thought about leaving?  I’d by lying if I told you there weren’t.  But I’ve never had peace about leaving - and I’ve never desired to do anything without the peace that God gives when a decision is right.  It goes against all that the world says and makes little sense to some inside the Church as well, but like Gayle, I hearken back to my marriage vows:  for better or for worse.  This was definitely “worse,” but staying doesn’t mean that I’m emotionally defective, in denial, or anything else.  It means that I’m obedient and that if God gave me a different answer and my husband had a different response to his sin, this conversation would be moot.  I imagine that Gayle has similar words to say, but hers is a much larger and more public stage on which to say it.

I’m grateful for anonymity at this point - maybe some day the veil won’t be necessary and we’ll be bold enough to deal with our pain and healing without the masks.  But for now, I’m grateful for the space that Gayle has never had to heal, to work this out, and to hear from God.

His and his,
~Cori

It was the day after Christmas 08 when it all came out - pieces and hints had floated at me for months, niggling my intuition and pricking me to let me know that *something* just wasn’t right.  I had no idea what it was - and that’s not the “I had no idea!”-denial from a wife who knew but didn’t want to face reality.  I knew something was off, but I didn’t have enough clues to let me know what that “something” was.

We immediately set out on a healing journey with our therapist and as I look back over the past year, I’m pretty flippin’ happy with our progress.  We were told by the therapist back in August/September that we were no longer in crisis and that we had progressed to a place where he didn’t need to see us, until we were ready for regression-therapy for my husband.  Still working on that (more specifically, how to pay for that).  We worked through Theophostic Prayer and pinpointed the abuse my husband went through and the lack of response/protection/whatever his parents provided when he told them as a toddler of his violation.  I still have work to do on my response to them, but that’s another post.  And my husband has done everything I asked with regard to being transparent and working to rebuild trust in our marriage.

We’re still not completely *there* - trust is a long-range thing and although he’s not given me specific reason to distrust him, I still have my moments when I get scared.  Happily, when those moments come (and they are fewer now than before), I’m able to talk about them with him and explain that “Although you would not be disloyal or unfaithful to me again, this is what I worried about….” and “The last time I had this emotion/sensation/concern it was when you and ____ broke my trust …”  and my husband understands.  He adjusts his sense of “I didn’t DO anything wrong!” and holds me, understanding that the violation that breaks and destroys so many marriages and families is still real and concerning to me.  I had every “right” to leave - I had every “right” to end our (at that point) 16 years together.  But I didn’t - because it wasn’t about my “rights.”  It was about obedience to the clear, quiet voice of God that resonated in my heart.

And that clear, quiet voice directs us now.  It helped me pull it together and be able through supernatural strength to forgive him.  It gave me the strength to forgive the other person, although that took a little more time, just because I was so freaking *angry*.  God’s strength and voice allowed us to put new rings on each other’s fingers and know that the words inscribed on them (Mo Annam Cara) meant all of that and more - we are soulmates, no question.  But the fact that God put us together and has pulled us through so much through the years… the rings symbolize all of that in a circlet of sterling.

Of course, we have an Enemy who is active and roams the earth, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8) and so we keep our guards up - and we don’t take anything for granted.  We definitely go through ups and downs like any other healthy couple, but now we take care of the issues that we face quickly.  We try to think of each other before ourselves and make Philippians 2 an everpresent reality in our lives.

Are we out of the woods?  No.  I don’t think so.  My husband has had some new compulsions (of an OCD-nature) come to light lately - and I suspect that they are linked to his CSA and when explored, will likely bring up a new dimension of healing for us.  Like I said, the Enemy is active and roaming the earth - and he’s not playing nice.

We are a far sight from where we were - and we’re committed to seeing this through.  We’ll celebrate 15 years of marriage in a few months and we’re looking forward to that.  Most of all, though, as hard as 2009 was for us as a couple, we’re grateful to God for pulling us through.

His and his,
~Cori