my heart | his heart

I read on Charisma’s website that Gayle Haggard has a new book out.   Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made In My Darkest Hour is definitely on my “to read” list, but what is fascinating to me is how many people either have judged or will judge her without understanding her story.  They lack understanding that God’s edicts might look different than what they “think ought to happen” or that God didn’t consult them for their “right opinions” when it comes to how He works in the lives of others and how He burdens them to carry His love to the world.  It would be laughable if it didn’t hit so close to home for me.

There will always be those who think they understand all and in reality, understand nothing.  Proverbs talks quite a bit about how valuable wisdom is and how despite wisdom being free, there will still be those who walk in ignorance and darkness.  I don’t think that I (or anyone else) can erase all ignorance when it comes to staying in a marriage with an SGA-struggler, but sometimes the ignorance really rubs me the wrong way.

At some level, I feel as though I’m taken back to the “God told me to”-argument.  It’s really not an argument and I don’t regret my decision to obey the voice of God.  But when I meet up with crazy-ignorance that is willfully not listening or based in faulty understandings of human behaviour, I find myself falling back to one thing that is simply not arguable:  God told me to stay.  How can someone say, “Nuh-unh.  He did NOT!”?   It’s simply not possible - at least, not by any rational person.

My obedience didn’t negate the pain, the struggle, the broken trust, or anything else.  Gayle Haggard’s obedience didn’t negate any of that, either.  What it did for me (and when I read Gayle’s book, I’ll find out if it did for her as well) was to steel my resolve.  I know God’s character enough to know that He wouldn’t mis-direct me or give me false hope.  And knowing that allowed me to say, “I don’t understand it, but I still love you and I want to stand by you as you work on this and work to heal our relationship.”

Have there been times when I’ve thought about leaving?  I’d by lying if I told you there weren’t.  But I’ve never had peace about leaving - and I’ve never desired to do anything without the peace that God gives when a decision is right.  It goes against all that the world says and makes little sense to some inside the Church as well, but like Gayle, I hearken back to my marriage vows:  for better or for worse.  This was definitely “worse,” but staying doesn’t mean that I’m emotionally defective, in denial, or anything else.  It means that I’m obedient and that if God gave me a different answer and my husband had a different response to his sin, this conversation would be moot.  I imagine that Gayle has similar words to say, but hers is a much larger and more public stage on which to say it.

I’m grateful for anonymity at this point - maybe some day the veil won’t be necessary and we’ll be bold enough to deal with our pain and healing without the masks.  But for now, I’m grateful for the space that Gayle has never had to heal, to work this out, and to hear from God.

His and his,
~Cori

So last year around this time, I was struggling.  Struggling to come to a peaceful place with my cousin’s unexpected and untimely passing, struggling to make sense of our therapy sessions and what we were getting from them, and struggling to keep my head above water when I was faced with the truth of my husband’s infidelity.

It was the day after Christmas 08 when it all came out - pieces and hints had floated at me for months, niggling my intuition and pricking me to let me know that *something* just wasn’t right.  I had no idea what it was - and that’s not the “I had no idea!”-denial from a wife who knew but didn’t want to face reality.  I knew something was off, but I didn’t have enough clues to let me know what that “something” was.

We immediately set out on a healing journey with our therapist and as I look back over the past year, I’m pretty flippin’ happy with our progress.  We were told by the therapist back in August/September that we were no longer in crisis and that we had progressed to a place where he didn’t need to see us, until we were ready for regression-therapy for my husband.  Still working on that (more specifically, how to pay for that).  We worked through Theophostic Prayer and pinpointed the abuse my husband went through and the lack of response/protection/whatever his parents provided when he told them as a toddler of his violation.  I still have work to do on my response to them, but that’s another post.  And my husband has done everything I asked with regard to being transparent and working to rebuild trust in our marriage.

We’re still not completely *there* - trust is a long-range thing and although he’s not given me specific reason to distrust him, I still have my moments when I get scared.  Happily, when those moments come (and they are fewer now than before), I’m able to talk about them with him and explain that “Although you would not be disloyal or unfaithful to me again, this is what I worried about….” and “The last time I had this emotion/sensation/concern it was when you and ____ broke my trust …”  and my husband understands.  He adjusts his sense of “I didn’t DO anything wrong!” and holds me, understanding that the violation that breaks and destroys so many marriages and families is still real and concerning to me.  I had every “right” to leave - I had every “right” to end our (at that point) 16 years together.  But I didn’t - because it wasn’t about my “rights.”  It was about obedience to the clear, quiet voice of God that resonated in my heart.

And that clear, quiet voice directs us now.  It helped me pull it together and be able through supernatural strength to forgive him.  It gave me the strength to forgive the other person, although that took a little more time, just because I was so freaking *angry*.  God’s strength and voice allowed us to put new rings on each other’s fingers and know that the words inscribed on them (Mo Annam Cara) meant all of that and more - we are soulmates, no question.  But the fact that God put us together and has pulled us through so much through the years… the rings symbolize all of that in a circlet of sterling.

Of course, we have an Enemy who is active and roams the earth, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8) and so we keep our guards up - and we don’t take anything for granted.  We definitely go through ups and downs like any other healthy couple, but now we take care of the issues that we face quickly.  We try to think of each other before ourselves and make Philippians 2 an everpresent reality in our lives.

Are we out of the woods?  No.  I don’t think so.  My husband has had some new compulsions (of an OCD-nature) come to light lately - and I suspect that they are linked to his CSA and when explored, will likely bring up a new dimension of healing for us.  Like I said, the Enemy is active and roaming the earth - and he’s not playing nice.

We are a far sight from where we were - and we’re committed to seeing this through.  We’ll celebrate 15 years of marriage in a few months and we’re looking forward to that.  Most of all, though, as hard as 2009 was for us as a couple, we’re grateful to God for pulling us through.

His and his,
~Cori

I had queried a few weeks ago whether it would be any easier to do the Cardboard Testimonies the 2nd and 3rd times… and the answer is a resounding “No.”

It was still completely worthwhile, but to do it at the northern campus of our church this past Sunday was still hard.  It was hard to stand there, owning my crap, but to hear the gasps, to see the shock on the faces of my friends, to hear the sniffles, and see the wiping of tears as we stood there was nearly impossible.  I had arranged with one particularly stoic friend beforehand that he would be my visual “focal point” and that he wouldn’t break down or cry.  He didn’t, and that helped.  But it was hard to maintain my composure.  I have adopted this line from “Steel Magnolias”:  I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence. 

Regardless, the response was resoundingly positive from both services.  And maybe because the length of relationship with these people is longer than with those in the newer campus (where we attend & minister regularly), it wasn’t awkward at the end.

And the reason I’m doing this became very apparent - a woman pulled me aside afterward in the children’s area and asked if she could inquire as to the addiction my husband struggled with.  I told her, in all honesty, and watched her eyes well up.  She could hardly contain her tears and the choking sounds in her voice and asked for my contact information, which I willingly imparted.  I’ll wait for her to contact me, but I hugged her as we parted and told her that she *could* do it - and she could lean on me as she needed to for strength.  That, my friends, is why I’m owning this.  That is why I’m willing to stand on a stage with a sign that describes my former-life of slavish closeted fear, pain that I couldn’t share because of the rejection that awaited me, and emotional turmoil that sent me running for my own form of medication.

It’s because the other side of that sign tells what Jesus is doing and what He has done that allows me to proclaim freedom to the captives and hope to the weary.

And all of that is worth it.

Our “Restore Groups” are less than one week from launching, and we had a great meeting as leaders last night.  It’s slightly nerve-wracking, but as a point of levity, I include this video from YouTube.  I grew up in southeastern Michigan and this was an ad for the Detroit Zoo that ran in my teen years.  My sisters & I could recite it (still can!) and laughed at it regularly.  We’re not a zoo in these Restore Groups, but as we do our final prep, it’s just fun to watch & laugh. 

His and his,
~Cori

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time

David Bowie’s song “Changes” from the “changesONEbowie” album of 1984 seems to explain much of our lives right now.  I’m pretty sure it’s not how Bowie intended the lyrics, but the chorus and a few other lines seem to help define us.

As we go along and rebuild our trust-base and our lives together, I’ve gained courage to ask questions that although I haven’t been 100% sure of the answers, I’m no longer afraid to hear.  My time in the legal-field taught me to ask questions only when I know what the answer is - and I took it to heart.  My intuition is crazy-strong to the point where I know things that I really shouldn’t know.  In some ways, knowing things that I had no concrete basis for left me in a place of fear - as if the confirmation of what I knew to be true would leave me in the cold, alone.  But as I grow, I’ve come to a place of love and acceptance and an understanding that honesty needs to have a safe landing-spot.  And so I strive to be that safe landing-spot.  I now use my intuition and don’t allow it to drive me to fear, but allow it to help root out the little things that we need to tweak in our relationship.

I have a video that I want to post here, but I cannot for the life of me get it uploaded at this point.  But as my husband and I watched the clip, he resonated with so much of what the speaker said.  We talked afterward and although in the past I would’ve been afraid to ask this question, I wasn’t now.

Me: So… how would you have classified your orientation up until the past year?

Him: Huh.  I never identified as “gay,” or even “bi,” because I knew it was wrong.  But I’d have to say that orientation-wise, it was a gay-orientation.

Me: And where are you now?

Him: It’s definitely changing - I no longer have any need or desire to see men in a sexual way, but I still have to keep my guard up.

Me: So would you say your orientation is … bi?  straight?

Him: Straight - but “straight with issues,” or “straight in progress.”  I’ve never *not* desired you, but now that I know and understand the root of my addiction and compulsion, it’s easier to see other men as brothers in arms and nothing more and to focus on you as the object of my love & affection.

Wow.  These are the changes that modern psychology tells us cannot be real, cannot be done, and are a manipulation of one’s inner-self and psyche.  And yet, by revealing the past abuse, dealing with it, and learning how to be a man from other men (things that my sweet husband never learned from his father), it’s happening.  It’s not reparative-therapy - it’s loosing the demons that tortured him and allowing the Spirit of God free access to the deepest recesses of his heart.

Strange fascination, fascinatin’
Ah, changes are takin’
the pace I’m goin’ through

Are these changes available for everyone?  We would say yes - but not everyone wants them.  And not everyone has a history of abuse or sexual violence that plays in to their story.  Did my husband want to struggle as he has?  Absolutely not.  Did he pray and beg God for YEARS to take his struggle away?  Absolutely he did.  God didn’t begin to answer that prayer until we got to the base of the issues - and my husband had to *want to change* in order to be brave enough to face what haunted his mind, heart, spirit, and soul.

We’re not done with the changes - we’re still a work in progress.  We cannot let our guards down and we cannot become lax in how we treat each other, our relationship, and the pain of the past.  Trust has been broken and it’s continuing to be rebuilt in our relationship.  But the ch-ch-ch-changes are a marvelous thing to behold and we’re celebrating them as we go.

His and his,
~Cori

(please let the video buffer - it’s in HD and is slightly larger than otherwise)

This video is what we called “Cardboard Testimonies” in our leadership community at our church; it was filmed with real people (not actors) at Central Christian Church in Las Vegas.  It was decided, during a leadership-summit (of sorts) that we would use the same song (by Chris Tomlin) and method to help publicize what our “Restore” groups (recovery-based groups) were doing and how being in community could heal you and heal others.

So today was our day.  My husband and I were 2 of 21 people who held up signs stating our affliction at varying points in the song and then went to stand in front of the congregation at a chorus-vamp.  My husband’s sign said, “Struggled with an Addiction,” and mine said, “Isolated by his Addiction.”  Signs varied per participant - from “Addicted” to “Abused” to “Isolated.”  At the ending chorus of “My chains are gone | I’ve been set free,” we began to turn our signs over to indicate how God has been healing us.

My husband’s sign and mine said the same:  “We’re Changing Lives.”  Double-meaning - our lives are changing, but we have the immense privilege of helping others as God changes their lives, too.  My husband’s involvement in the Samson Society via Restore and mine in Celebrate Recovery are precious to us - not only do we get to stay on the path to recovery, but we get to work with amazing people who are recovering themselves and those who will find courage to begin their walk to recovery.

There’s something really hard and humbling about owning your crap - not just in front of God, but in front of God and everybody.  It was significantly harder than I anticipated to stand there and own my crap - and I welled up when we turned them over - because it’s true.  We’re changing, but we get to help change others’ lives, too.

It was curious how many people were awkwardly uncomfortable afterward - how many people did not engage us in conversation who normally do.  Maybe it’s the shock of revelation, maybe it’s the not-knowing-what-to-say-so-I’ll-say-nothing.  *shrug*

I’m really glad we did it, and we get to do it again in 2 weeks at the other campus.  I wonder if it will be easier the 2nd and 3rd times through? 

His and his,
~Cori

So apparently, the Haggards have been in the media lately - they did a documentary with a pay-per-view cable company, were on “Oprah,” and have been written up in various magazines, newspapers, and the rest. I’m relatively unplugged from the mainstream media, but one thing that I do read with semi-regularity is Charisma magazine, and by “semi-regularity,” I mean “every few months.” My periodical-reading record is pretty dismal lately - there are so many other things pulling at me that I can’t seem to create the time to open a magazine.

Regardless, Charisma had a really great interview with Ted & Gayle with regard to their recovery from Ted’s fall from grace, how it affected their marriage, their family, and what God is doing now in their hearts and lives. The article is about 5 pages long and you can read it here.

But several things in what Gayle said stood out to me and I wanted to muse over it here.

The reason I could stay with Ted was that I settled in myself that he is worth it. Sure, I was hurting. I felt totally let down and betrayed. My heart was thoroughly broken. But I had to believe that in spite of all the pain, Ted loved me and I loved him, and that our relationship was real. He was and is so much more than this one battle that raged within him. I determined that he was worth fighting for, our marriage was worth fighting for, and the honor and dignity of our children was worth fighting for.

I really resonated with this. Some people have looked at me as though I don’t have the self-respect to leave my marriage after my husband was unfaithful to me. Others have figured that I am ’settling’ or just ‘grateful to be married’ and that’s why I stay. People who think those things honestly don’t know me - and they honestly have no clue what it’s like to love someone so deeply. We are all flawed and although my husband made poor choices, he was motivated towards those choice by no volition of his own. As we have gotten down to the nitty gritty of his past abuse and his same-gendered attraction, we now understand what a core issue the CSA is. I have more to write about that in another post, but for now, it suffices to say that he is worth it. I am worth it. We are worth it as a couple and as a family unit.

I would encourage other women with the words that encouraged me: Love covers a multitude of sins. When I pressed myself to forgive and love Ted, I healed. When I judged him and scrutinized him for all the pain he caused, I would spiral down into despair.

I have seen this so clearly in my own life and on my path to healing. When I have been able to embrace forgiveness and to look forward, God meets me and gives me hope. Not the political, worldly hope that has been a buzzword for a while now, but long-lasting, eternal hope. Hope that is based in Jesus Himself. When I have focused on the details, the questions, and the little emotional infidelities that have taken place, wondering if he’s still looking for a hook-up or if his words accurately reflect his heart and his actions, I spiraled down, out of control. Almost as if I was inviting the Enemy to cover me in despair and forgetting that his sin, though intensely painful to me, was confessed, forgiven, and ultimately no worse than any of my sin in that it put Jesus on the cross. Love really does cover a multitude of sins.

Love never fails—if we choose love and let it do its work, we are all better for it. Not only does Jesus instruct us in the way of forgiveness and love, but His Spirit empowers us to do it. Then what we have is a relationship that is strengthened through fire. For Ted and me, this means we have each other, we have our family, and at the end of the day, we win.

This is incredibly encouraging to me and I shared with other readers on Charisma’s website. This is testament to the healing power of God - the reason that Gayle, I, and many others have stuck with our husbands in their sexual sin. When repentance is real, healing can begin. When the pain is so great that you’re not sure you can draw in another ragged, searing breath, ask God to help you to forgive.  He will do this and it will defy human logic. When we are at the end of ourselves, He has room to move, to heal, and to provide that which we wouldn’t give Him room to do when we were in the midst of our own strength.

I’m really encouraged for the Haggards. They are the public embodiment of what my husband and I are fighting to maintain - a Christ-centered marriage, with one who has major struggles, and the other who seeks to support and heal, simultaneously. They are the proof to me that we are on the right path and that it’s not impossible. For indeed, nothing is impossible with God.

His and his,
~Cori

In this day & age of feminist belief & practice, I’ve come in to the knowledge of who I am. And maybe these struggles in my life & marriage have helped me to realize that it’s okay to be who I am - even if I don’t conform to the world around me and what other women think I need to be.

I live in a particularly secular area of the US - I’m content to be here and do what God has asked us to do. But within my particular culture, women are expected to tow the line of hardcore feminism. In other words, “If you shave your legs, fine (said with a roll of the eyes), but don’t expect that I will, that I should, or that I’m happy you do.” It’s a cut-throat place where traditional femininity is seen as “weak” and “pathetic.”

And when I coupled that with my upbringing (oldest of three girls, taught to be strong and ferociously independent), I carved out a space for myself that eschewed traditional femininity. The requirement of skirts, dresses, etc., to attend church seemed pathetic to me (does God really care what I wear on Sunday mornings, or is it simply a fashion show for others in the congregation?). I donned pants and rarely looked back.

I seem to have come full-circle, though. I love skirts & dresses now - not because my husband told me (or asked me) to. Not because my religion says it’s required. Not because I have to. Because I want to.

I am a high-maintenance woman, not emotionally, but I do layers of things to myself so that my skin and hair are in good condition and I feel good about myself. I used to resent the time I spent, thinking that I was “unlucky” in that I needed to do these things and others didn’t. Now I revel in the time I get to spend on myself, the condition my skin is in, and quite frankly, how much younger I look because of it all. It’s not something I resent as much as it is something I pamper myself with.

All of which brought me to this realization: I am a strong woman who is feminine at her core. I can lift heavy things if I have to, but more often than not, there are men around who can do it for me if I ask. I don’t have to prove myself anymore. I don’t have to prove my worth by letting my legs grow shaggy or my skin or hair go unkempt - I can be a strong, vibrant woman who does those things for herself, not to herself. All of this is quite empowering and has brought me a to a place where right now I prefer to wear skirts & dresses, especially during the hotter summer months. In the winter, I’ll probably be back to pants and wool socks, and that’ll be okay.

But for now, I’m learning to appreciate who I am and to grow more confident in that identity. My husband is watching and seems slightly amused by it all, but I think he’s known this part of me existed for a while. It just took some time for me to come in to my own and to revel in it.

His and his,
~Cori

We saw our therapist this week - it’s been a solid 2 months since we’ve seen him, due to scheduling conflicts. At our last appointment, he referred us to the Theophostic facilitator, we were spiritually attacked in his parking lot, and in the ensuing weeks, we discovered the truth about my husband’s CSA & how his parents both didn’t believe him and didn’t protect him from his predatory grandfather.

So we had a lot to catch up on. I think there are few things like recounting big, enormous steps forward, no matter how separated by time they are, to someone who isn’t living the reality of taking those steps. I think doing so is a good way to get The Big Picture and to be encouraged.

Which is exactly what happened in our therapist’s office. He was incredulous: “These are HUGE steps in a very short amount of time!” He listened and he actually let his poker-face down and his eyes widened as he said, “These are *miraculous* things you’re telling me! Praise God!” It was truly encouraging for us to get his perspective on it. Living with the reality of it all is sometimes overwhelming, and then we have to pick our way through the rubble of what was my husband’s childhood and how it still haunts us to create a new normal, a new reality.

So as we’re talking, the therapist is asking my husband what he’s doing now. My husband said, “I’m trying to investigate who I am as a man - what it means for me to be masculine, trying to define it.” We talked a bit about the world’s definition of masculinity and what that looks like and how it’s twisted and perverted. My husband will be going on a white water rafting trip next month and is looking forward to it; the therapist said, “Why are you going on that?”

“Because I think it will be fun and I want to.”

That was met with hearty approval and “permission” from the therapist to have fun and explore the things that he’s never done before, which is apparently what my husband needed. He really glommed on to that - he needed another masculine guy to encourage him and give him permission to explore, to discard what didn’t fit, and to have fun in the process.

Toward the end of the appointment, he asked what our long-term plans were: the answer is that we’re working on a new plan and seeing what God does. I’m looking for work so that we can afford weekly appointments for my husband - there is regressive-talk therapy that he wants to do with this therapist, but we have to have more cash in order to do it. When I have a job, we can make plans for that. But for the two of us meeting with him together, he said that we were doing well. That our communication-lines seemed to be open and that we were doing a good job of walking through the past destruction and avoiding the land mines that were there, but that if we needed him as a pair, to call him. He wasn’t “prescribing” any more couples’-appointments for us at this time.

I think that was one of the most buoying things I’ve heard in a good, long while. A professional therapist has watched us for the last 8 months, talked to us extensively, and says that we’re doing well enough as a pair to stop with regular appointments.

I feel like we’re making it through, guys. It’s a good feeling.

His and his,
~Cori

We have a family of foxes living in our backyard. Yep, it’s like Animal Planet over here - rabbits, chipmunks, squirrels, a groundhog, deer, and now a mama fox & 4 kits. It’s cool to watch, no question - but it’s also brought a bit more clarity to the Scriptural idea of “little foxes spoiling the vine” and what that means.

There was a tradition in Biblical times of tying lit torches to the tails of foxes (how they caught the foxes I’ll never figure out, as ours are quite shy & skittish…) and allowing the frightened animals to run through wheat fields, thereby lighting the crops on fire and decimating what would have been a good harvest. Samson did this in Judges 15:4-5 and Songs 2:15 refers to ‘catching the foxes that ruin the blooming vineyards’ (i.e., the blooms that will become fruit & eventually harvest).

So, okay. Cool imagery, right? Except that you have to know it has more than just imagery for me - else I wouldn’t write about it.

The other night, my husband and I were on the sofa, on respective laptops. His Twitter-client popped up and I happened to be glancing at him, talking at the time. I noticed an avatar of underwear and said, “Who the heck has underwear as their Twitter icon?” He replied, quite nonchalantly, “Oh, that’s blahdy-blah site. I follow them.”

Once more, with clarity, please.

It was pretty clear that he didn’t see a problem with it, and yet - it seems like a pretty big problem to miss. At least to me. So I stewed for a while and checked the site myself. Then after about 50 minutes or so of trying to figure out what to say and how to say it, I settled on, “I’m going to challenge you…” and proceeded to ask why he’s following them. He said, “Because I’m interested in underwear,” with the tone that implied, ‘don’t YOU like me in sexy underwear?’

I kept my response evenly toned, non-snarky, and replied, “Ok. Do you think that’s a wise site to follow and partake in for a sexual addict such as yourself?” He was stumped for a moment and then replied, “I never really thought about it. Maybe not. D’you want me to unfollow them right now?” My answer was, “Sooner rather than later, but you don’t have to do it at this instant …”

This reminded me that (dammit!) I still have my own issues that bubble and lurk. In my head, I heard “I’ll do this now, but you’re being a controlling wench…” which is NOT what he said. At all. And when I said that I didn’t want to be a controlling wench, he said, “I don’t see you that way - at all!” This takes me back to a fundamental thing:  I don’t want to be his “cop” or “parole officer.” I want to be his WIFE.

Bleah. These are the little foxes which spoil the coming harvest. I’m convinced of it. Things are trucking along and my husband is involved in a newly-formed sexual integrity group at church. This is a good thing and he’s encouraged & excited about it all. But little things like following a website on Twitter that does nothing but advertise underwear? That’s a recipe for disaster. Maybe not a forest fire today or next week - but at some point when we’re unaware. When our defenses are down. The fire, which was tied to the tails of the foxes will catch and all of our hopes, dreams, future, and harvest will go up in smoke.

A very long time ago, someone at a Promise Keepers event said, “Sometimes as men, we do something and think it’s like dropping a feather on our wives, but our wives feel like we’ve dropped a boulder on them.” Since that time, we’ve talked about feathers & boulders - and I sincerely think my beloved just doesn’t get the fullness of what his addiction does to me. It’s a boulder of the greatest magnitude, size, and weight. I don’t blame him for not getting it, but I do think it’s reality. Maybe he’ll understand more the further he walks in healing. Or maybe it’s a gender-thing and he’ll never fully get it. Either way, I hold a boulder.

A friend of mine (I’ll call her Sarah) is dealing with a similar situation in that her husband is a sexual addict. I don’t have many words of wisdom to offer her, as my attempts to cope with sexual addiction are sometimes successful, sometimes not. I can offer her what’s worked for me and what hasn’t, but somehow, some way, she and her husband have to pick their way through this minefield.

But Sarah & I are blessed to be around other men who are Godly, wise, and willing to impart their wisdom. One of these people is my friend David Cowan, who wrote & produced “Oversold,” the movie I wrote about a while back. I thought Dave’s words were particularly wise and I’ll excerpt them here:

…this addiction most likely pre-dates you. The issues that drive him pre-date you. Therefore, you cannot be the cure… his only cure is Jesus and obedience to Him…

…his problem is the addiction… which is essentially a spiritual issue that deals with the core of who he is as a man. At some point when he was exposed to porn, he was hooked like a piece of meat. That hook still has him. Your sexiness, your availability… YOU cannot remove that hook. Only God.

…You don’t have to hold on to the stress of being his everything… being his cure for this. That’s Jesus’ job. Jesus said that in Him, we can be free… free indeed! PRAY FOR THAT HOOK TO LOSE ITS HOLD ON HIM IN JESUS’ NAME!

Dave’s words to Sarah are ones that comfort me.  They remind me that yes, there are foxes that will try to spoil what we’re doing - either now or in the long-run.  This time, God allowed us to see them clearly and to cut off their tails to prevent further damage.  But ultimately, knowing that my husband’s healing isn’t my responsibility is HUGE.  Enormous.  Gigantic.  It makes holding that boulder of his addiction more like a feather, which is exactly what God designs it to do.  Jesus said that if we follow Him, He’ll make our burdens light.

As we look for ways to keep the foxes at bay and insure that they don’t damage our future unwittingly, I’m humbled and awed by the realization that God really *does* care.  He cares enough to show us the sneakiness of the Enemy - He gives us plans to avert disaster.  He carries us through the worst of it and is our Hope, our Light, and our Shield.  It doesn’t mean we don’t have to fight the battle, just that He shows up & lends us His Strength, Peace, and Comfort.  And many times, He fights the battle for us when we’re too weak to do it ourselves.

His and his,
~Cori